Joke thread

[Cellarite]

I was watching 'News at Ten' when my son came in the living room and asked me a question.

"Dad, what's a ****?"

I looked at him in shock and asked, "Son, where did you hear that word?"

"At school," he replied.

I thought, oh well, I'm eventually going to have to explain one day. Why not now? So I got up and said, "Follow me, son."

I took him into my bedroom where the wife was sleeping, naked, and threw off the covers. I pointed to the furry mound between her legs.

"You see that, son." He nodded. "That's a vagina. The rest of it's a ****."

BA-DUM-TSS!

Been watching Roy Chubby Brown have we? Tsssh, this guy!

 

[Tuearts right boot]

2 interesting facts about myself...
1) My knob is the same length of 2 Argos pencils
2) I'm banned from Argos

 

[BackofJeanette]

Retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to docks once more for old times sake.He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best he can for a guy his age.The old sailor asks "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies "Well Sailor you're doing about 3 knots." "3 knots?" he replies, "Whats that supposed to mean?" She says "Your knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."


..............................


If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery...


What kind of car would you buy 1st?

 

[dronefromsector7g]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

 

[BackofJeanette]

New website for Muslim Terrorists to get in touch with long-lost pals.

It's called,Friends 
Re-Ignited.com



Told the wife, "My new job is having sex live on stage."
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I replied, "I'll ask, but so far they've all been thin & pretty!"




I phoned work this morning and said to the boss, I'll be a bit late in because I have to take the cat to the vets. "Oh," he asked "why can't you get your wife to take it, you know we're busy."

"Because the cat's not stuck on the wife's cock." I replied.

 

[Zubrman]

My pet mouse Elvis was eaten by a lizard yesterday.

He's in the gecko.

 

[pieface]

My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday jumping to escape the cat,he leapt into our logburner.
i called the wife i said "come and see"..."He,s burning love".

 

[BackofJeanette]

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for an easy way to make money, I can tell you I haven't got it. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let this go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

"But, Mr Neeson, our records show that you are entitled to £2600 in PPI claims..."

 

[BackofJeanette]

My son said, "Dad, I've got something important to tell you... I'm coming out of the closet."

I slapped him round the back of the head.

"Why can't you accept me for who I am?" he screamed.

"I don't care if you're gay," I said, "just don't talk like a fucking Yank. It's a cupboard, not a closet."    

 

[BELLENDER]

My pet mouse Elvis was eaten by a lizard yesterday.

He's in the gecko.

Bet ur gonna be lonesome tonight..............<br /><br />-- Sun Sep 23, 2012 12:29 pm --<br /><br />

My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday jumping to escape the cat,he leapt into our logburner.
i called the wife i said "come and see"..."He,s burning love".

I just can't help believing............