Joke thread

[Brisblu]

As you all know I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

 

[kippax81]

Low Alcohol Beer.

It's like licking your sister's fanny.

Tastes similar..........but it's just not right

 

[jimharri]

Before me and the missus had sex she said, "If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse."
With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down.

 

[2sheikhs]

When i was a kid,every new year my dad would take us to the circus at Belle Vue to see the fat tattooed ladies...........now their everywhere.

they're

ladies?

 

[tueartsboots]

Nightmare! On the way back from Dagenham, I just overtook a huge truck, accidentally cutting him up. He then growled passed, pulled next to me at the traffic lights, and opened his window. I was expecting a series of expletives, but he said, “your perpendicular driving resulted in the need for an overly swift deceleration, which I found deplorable.” I thought it weird, then realised it was an articulated lorry

 

[pieface]

When i was a kid,every new year my dad would take us to the circus at Belle Vue to see the fat tattooed ladies...........now their everywhere.

they're

ladies?

^^sorry.

I was in Paris with my girlfriend,what a wonderfully cultured romantic beautiful City.
But i couldnt understand all the Parisions walking around with their heads down looking at the ground in such a culturally inspiring place.................then i stood in some dog shit.

Parisians.
This isn't Trip Advisor, is it?

ok so i write a joke and it fails on a spelling arrer?

 

[Blue Mist]

Nightmare! On the way back from Dagenham, I just overtook a huge truck, accidentally cutting him up. He then growled passed, pulled next to me at the traffic lights, and opened his window. I was expecting a series of expletives, but he said, “your perpendicular driving resulted in the need for an overly swift deceleration, which I found deplorable.” I thought it weird, then realised it was an articulated lorry

Brilliant.

 

[hackneyslim]

they're

ladies?

^^sorry.

I was in Paris with my girlfriend,what a wonderfully cultured romantic beautiful City.
But i couldnt understand all the Parisions walking around with their heads down looking at the ground in such a culturally inspiring place.................then i stood in some dog shit.

Parisians.
This isn't Trip Advisor, is it?

ok so i write a joke and it fails on a spelling arrer?

Do you want to engage?
Think, now.

 

[Harrilew]

Got a new neighbour who is Bulimic, the noise has been keeping me awake till all hours, last night it got so bad I had to bang the wall and ask her to keep it down

 

[BackofJeanette]

Child rapist Jimmy Saville was a big fan of jewellery..

He loved nothing more than squeezing his fingers into a couple of tight rings.    <br /><br />-- Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:51 pm --<br /><br />What's the difference between Lance Armstrong's Doctor and Manchester United keeper Anders Lindegaard?..

Lance's Doctors can save a ball.