Joke thread

Apparently, Sinead O'Connor is to perform at Barry Chuckle's funeral, singing "Nothing compares to you, to me"

Followed later in the service by Joe Cocker performing "You are so beautiful to me, to you".


hail-a-cab.jpg
 
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwingitems out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.” Very impressed, the woman goes outside where thegrandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. Idon’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmlykept saying ‘things would be okay.’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little **** is called Kevin.”
 
My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife ".
The agent said," then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home ".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can not kill my wife."
The agent said, "you do not have what it takes, so take your wife and go home"
Finally , it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow..
>
>
>
>
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair"
 
A young woman calls her Mum,

" Mum I'm getting a divorce!"

" Why?", the Mum asks all shocked.

"Because all he wants is Anal sex, I used to have a nice small arsehole the size of a 5 pence piece. Now it's the size of a 50 pence piece!"

The Mother replies, " Sweetie, you have a Porche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Barcelona, kids in private school and 6 holidays a year!"

" Do you really want to give all that up for the sake of 45 pence!"
 
BackofJeanette said:
A young woman calls her Mum,

" Mum I'm getting a divorce!"

" Why?", the Mum asks all shocked.

"Because all he wants is Anal sex, I used to have a nice small arsehole the size of a 5 pence piece. Now it's the size of a 50 pence piece!"

The Mother replies, " Sweetie, you have a Porche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Barcelona, kids in private school and 6 holidays a year!"

" Do you really want to give all that up for the sake of 45 pence!"
Click to expand...


Classic Chubby Brown
 
One day two potatos, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured potato, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".
 
An old man retires to a coastal village in the west of Ireland and soon becomes something of a curiosity in the local pub.
Every evening, he'd come in, order three pints of Guinness at the same time and proceeds to drink from each of them until they are all empty. Some nights, he even repeats the trick but at no point would he engage in conversation with those around him.
Eventually, the barman sidles over and asks him why he takes his drink in such a peculiar fashion.
"You see," he explained, "I have two brothers. One lad lives in Boston and the other in Melbourne. Every night, the three of us perform this ritual because it's the closest we can ever come again to the three of us having a pint together."
Satisfied, the villagers leave the old man to do his thing and, over the course of time, they become accustomed to his way.
One day, however, he walked in the door and calls just the two pints of Guinness and proceeds to drink them in the same manner. The villagers look at each other knowingly. They feel sad for the old man but try to respect his privacy. For a few weeks, the old man continues to order only two pints at a time and the townsfolk begin to think about how they might let the man know that they're thinking of him in his difficult hour.
Eventually, the curious barman approaches again to offer condolences on the old man's loss.
"The rest of the lads were wondering if you would like us to ask Father Flynn to say a Mass for the repose of the soul of your brother?"
"Why would ye want to do that?" the old man replied.
"Sure, did one of them not die, now that you're only having the two pints?"
"Not at all! They're both in fine fettle - but the doctor told me I had to give up the drink!"
 
Bloody predictive text grrrr.
Just sent the wife a message saying
"Just going down to the canal for a wank with the dog"







I meant river
 
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