Joke thread

[blue b4 the moon]

Met a brass who uses floor cleaner as shower gel- Fucking flash ****

Thought I'd add a bit to the original....I'm chuckling now thinking about other jokes which had add-ons like the no idea & still no idea 'deer' joke.

 

[Indaparkside]

A man walks into the doctors. Look doc I can’t stop my hands from shaking.
Do you drink much?asked the doctor.
No replied the man I spill most of it.

 

[Get Pollock On]

why did billy fall of the swing?.
he had no arms.

knock knock.
whos there?
not billy.

 

[chris63]

 

[Indaparkside]

How come nowadays you can’t take the piss out of any creed colour or religion. But the Irish are fair game!:)

 

[Brightwell’s left peg]

How come nowadays you can’t take the piss out of any creed colour or religion. But the Irish are fair game!:)

Because most of them are rags or dippers?

 

[BackofJeanette]

Oldie but a goodie, revamped!


Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man United with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your fucking fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!

 

[BackofJeanette]

After Nigel Farage declares Theresa May’s Brexit agreement "the worst deal in history", Man Utd fans remind him they paid £75m for Romelu Lukaku.

 

[PR7]

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND and maybe in the world!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

[dronefromsector7G]

The computers and Wi-Fi went down at work on Friday so everything had to be done manually... Took me three fucking hours to show everyone in the office what I was having for lunch.

 

[Indaparkside]

Oldie but a goodie, revamped!


Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man United with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your fucking fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!

Please see page 129:)

 

[BackofJeanette]

Please see page 129:)

I did say " revamped"..

;-)

Roman Centurion
" You won't believe how many women I've slept with"

Second Centurion
"MMM?"

1st Centurion
" Don't be ridiculous, not that many!"

 

[jimharri]

After Nigel Farage declares Theresa May’s Brexit agreement "the worst deal in history", Man Utd fans remind him they paid £75m for Romelu Lukaku.

I'll raise you £89m for Carlton Pogba.

 

[ysmsa]

How many Dippers does it take to change a light bulb?

50,000

1 to nick it from the shop

and, 49,999 to light the candles whilst he's out!

 

[dronefromsector7G]

The inventor of the snooze button has passed away... His funeral will take place tomorrow at 10:00am, 10:09am, 10:18am, 10:27am and 10:36am

 

[its a Barm]

The inventor of the snooze button has passed away... His funeral will take place tomorrow at 10:00am, 10:09am, 10:18am, 10:27am and 10:36am

we need a "shakes head" button.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

we need a "shakes head" button.

Ha.

Last night at the gym I found a hole in my trainer just big enough to squeeze my finger into.

I’m now banned for a year.

 

[aguerrrroooooooooooo]

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

 

[happychappy]

Woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playin with his train set! “All those gettin off,go on fuck off,and all those gettin on fuckin hurry up”
So the woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson! 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playin! Mum listens in.”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding,mind the gap and have a safe journey!...And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat **** in the kitchen!

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Guy walks up to a girl in a bar "I want to think of you as my little toe" Girl, "Is it because I am small and cute?" Guy, "No. it because I will probably bang you on my coffee table later tonight!".