Joke thread

ColinBellsjockstrap said:
This young man takes his new busty girlfriend on their first date in his car...

He's really gagging for it, so he drives down a dark lovers lane and pulls up in a secluded spot and says:-

M "Ok, come on get in the back"

G "No"

M "Come on, get in the back"

G "No"

M (Getting very frustrated to boiling point)…."Come on get in the back"

G "No, I don't want to"

M "Aw, why not?"

G "Cos I want to stop in the front with you"
Click to expand...
Well if you can tell that old one I will tell an older one about the couple who pull into a country lane. They get in the back seat and she puts one leg in the strap between the front and back doors and he puts her other leg in the strap on the other side. They were just about to start the action when there's a knock on the window and a torch shining in. Hello hello hello open the window sir. The PC looks in and asks what are you doing. The lad explains they were just about to have a bit of fun. He then asks the PC your not going to arrest us are you officer. No, he says I am grateful to you. Why says the lad. Because son, I've had a car for 20 years and I never knew what those straps were for.
 
Mummy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy’s stomach last night?,

I have to that, it saves his belly getting to fat
Bouncing on it keeps him skinny,

That’s not gonna work

Why not?

Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again!
 
Up in Heaven, Jesus asked Joseph and Mary would they like to return to Earth for one day and where they would like to go, Joseph said, he wanted to go to a B&Q store, Jesus asked why?, Joseph said, I want to see all the power tools for carpentry, OK, said Jesus, Mum, where do you want to go to?, "Oh, Son, I would like to visit Lourdes and Fatima." Mary said, Jesus asked, "Why do you want to go there?", "Well", she said, "I've never been!"
 
There hasn't been a 2nd leg thrown away in Liverpool this convincingly since Paul McCartney had a blazing row with Heather Mills!
 
Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman were taking a late flight from Dublin to New York in a three engine plane.
Half way into the flight there was a shudder. The pilot announced over the speakerphone " I'm terribly sorry ladies and gentlemen but due to loss of power in our right-hand engine our arrival in New York will be delayed by half an hour. We apologise for any inconvenience."
The two lads tutted and swore a bit.
About another hour in, there was an even bigger shudder followed by a jolt.
Once again the pilot made an announcement, "We are so sorry ladies and gentlemen to inform you that we have now also lost power to our left-hand engine. Due to this our arrival time will be delayed by a further hour."
The two lads look at each other aghast.
"For fuck's sake!" says Paddy Irishman " If that last engine goes we'll be up here all night!!"
 
Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top