Joke thread

Well, I thought my powers of reasoning had deserted me when I read that 'Joke,' but thankfully I'm not
alone, though I'm pissed off about spending so much time attempting to decipher it.
Anyway, back to an old one from Ken Dodd...

''The bloke who invented cats eyes for the roads got the idea when a cat was staring into his headlights.
If it had been facing the other way he'd have invented the pencil sharpener.''
 
Ancient Citizen said:
Well, I thought my powers of reasoning had deserted me when I read that 'Joke,' but thankfully I'm not
alone, though I'm pissed off about spending so much time attempting to decipher it.
Anyway, back to an old one from Ken Dodd...

''The bloke who invented cats eyes for the roads got the idea when a cat was staring into his headlights.
If it had been facing the other way he'd have invented the pencil sharpener.''
Click to expand...
The bloke was Percy Shaw. Lived in a big Victorian mansion near Halifax. Was almost completely unfurnished, with no carpets. Invited friends and neighbours to a birthday party each year. Just barrels of beer and pork pies.
 
KS55 said:
The bloke was Percy Shaw. Lived in a big Victorian mansion near Halifax. Was almost completely unfurnished, with no carpets. Invited friends and neighbours to a birthday party each year. Just barrels of beer and pork pies.
Click to expand...
I don't get this one either.
 
The wife checked her husband's Hand Phone and found these names:
*The Tender one.*
*The Amazing one.*
*Lady of My Dreams.*
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother.
Then she called the second number on which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third number, her own phone rang !!
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband.
So she gave him her whole month's salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as :
*Ah Seng Kedai motor.*
*PASS IT ALONG :*
Caution :
*ONLY TO MALE FRIENDS, PLEASE.*

so funny had to tell it again
 
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountantso n my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should trye lectricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librariansa re the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up whenh e observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
 
johnmc said:
Can someone explain please
Click to expand...
Gonna spoil it by explaining this alleged joke:

Basically, the husband has tricked his wife by putting numbers in his phone to catch her out and cover his back. So she would phone all the suspicious-looking ones but wouldn't suspect the car garage number that is really his bit on the side.

Feel free to laugh now.
 
peace frog said:
The wife checked her husband's Hand Phone and found these names:
*The Tender one.*
*The Amazing one.*
*Lady of My Dreams.*
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother.
Then she called the second number on which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third number, her own phone rang !!
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband.
So she gave him her whole month's salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as :
*Ah Seng Kedai motor.*
*PASS IT ALONG :*
Caution :
*ONLY TO MALE FRIENDS, PLEASE.*

so funny had to tell it again
Click to expand...
......is it just me ??
 
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