Joke thread

Mary is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts crying.

One of the attendants rushes over to comfort her.

Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day Mary returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Mary manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, How did you manage to get that beautiful blue suit ?

Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit.

Incredibly, his wife was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit the attendant replied.

He explained that after that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around.
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.The Taliban asked, "Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, "I have no water but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00".The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie."
 
Some local scroats broke into my house last night and robbed all my anti-depressants out of the bathroom cabinet!

I hope they’re fucking happy !
 
jimharri said:
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.The Taliban asked, "Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, "I have no water but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00".The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie."
Click to expand...
Bugger me, a really good joke on here!
 
A kid goes into the local shop to buy some "Rising Sun" tobacco. The shop assistant is a gorgeous young lady wearing a really short skirt and stockings etc. She looks in the normal places but can't find any tobacco called "Rising Sun"
"Dad tells me that it's normally kept on the top shelf" says the lad, helpfully.
The girl gets a step ladder and climbs to the top - she still has to stretch to look at the top shelf. The boy is standing directly underneath her, looking up.
After a bit of looking the girl still can't find any:
"Are you sure it's "Rising Sun"?" asks the girl.
"Rising? It's almost breaking my zip!!" replied the lad
 
Paddy gets pulled over by the police, driving home from the pub. "Hecscuce me sir have you been drinking." Paddy replies, " yes I've had 9 pints of Guinness and 6 double Jamesons" Copper says" under section 63 of the road traffic act I need you to to provide a breath sample" Paddy replies" Why don't ya fecking believe me"
 
Johnny comes home from school,
Dad: why so glum Johnny?
Johnny: Teacher gave me detention.
Dad: why ?
Johnny: in maths , the teacher asked what's 2x3 and I said 6. He then asked what's 3x2 ...
Dad: what's the fucking difference?
Johnny: that's exactly what I said !!!
 
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