Joke thread

[Big Swifty]

Four days? I only posted it 7 minutes ago..

 

[DrBlueBob]

A man goes to see a lawyer and asks "How much do you charge to answer three questions?"

Lawyer: "£2,000"

Man: "Don't you think that's rather a lot of money?"

Lawyer: "No, I don't. What's your third question?"

Not very funny or new but I haven't posted for a while and I want people to like me.

There you go. :-)

 

[Big Swifty]

Than you doctor. I feel better already.

 

[Uwe Already]

Following on from jimharri’s bee joke:

I went into a pet shop the other day and said I’d like a wasp, they said they didn’t sell wasps, so I told them “but you’ve got one in the window”...

 

[RadcliffeRick]

I know this in not a video channel but her goes anyway. My favorite monkey joke:-

 

[Blue Mist]

I know this in not a video channel but her goes anyway. My favorite monkey joke:-

I remember when that first came out, absolutely brilliant then and it still is now.

 

[Big Swifty]

Boy goes into music shop to buy a mouth organ. Shopkeeper says "That's funny - a young girl came in half an hour ago to buy one."
Boy says "Oh, that'll be our Monica."

Same boy goes into a posh chemists to get a bar of soap. Chemist says "D'you want it scented?"
Boy says "No thanks, I'll take it with me"

Boy goes to a pet shop to buy a tropical fish. Shopkeeper says "Will you be wanting an aquarium?"
Boy says "I don't care what star sign it was born under - I just want a f****** tropical fish"

 

[Big Swifty]

I like these.

Oh, I forgot. I posted them.

 

[JULES]

Following on from jimharri’s bee joke:

I went into a pet shop the other day and said I’d like a wasp, they said they didn’t sell wasps, so I told them “but you’ve got one in the window”...

a guy goes into a record shop and asks the assistant for one of those sound effect records. what sound effect do you want?
I want a swarm of wasps
hold a min, here we are, puts disc on record player, is that ok?
no, the sound is a bit low pitch
oh, I am sorry, I put the B side on

 

[Blue_eyes]

Did you hear about the long distance lorry driver who loved lorries so much he had sex with them...................he was found to be hgv positive.

 

[Onholiday(somemightsay)]

I like these.

Oh, I forgot. I posted them.

This one was better than the first 3 ;-)

 

[Indaparkside]

Guy go's to the doctors with gastric problems. Doctor he says ive got terrible dihorea, so has my sister,, and my mum. Do you think it could be hereditary. Don't know about that says the doc but it's in your jeans.

 

[Big Swifty]

Diarrhoea is a terrible thing. More so than "dihorea"......

 

[jimharri]

I asked a fella in the pub, "Does Sean Connery like herbs?"

He replied, "Yes, but only partially."







Anyone got the number for a reliable taxi firm?

 

[Indaparkside]

Diarrhoea is a terrible thing. More so than "dihorea"......

Easier to spell. Thats why i never applied to go on countdown:)

 

[KS55]

This is a bit of a cheat becos it is a poem by John Cooper Clarke, but very funny.
NECROPHILIA
If you're fed up with foreplay and all that palaver
'Ave a cadaver.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

I asked a fella in the pub, "Does Sean Connery like herbs?"

He replied, "Yes, but only partially."







Anyone got the number for a reliable taxi firm?

Fuck me ragged, I've had to ask the wife to explain and she has absolutely no sense of humour.

Try Abbacabs.

 

[jimharri]

Fuck me ragged, I've had to ask the wife to explain and she has absolutely no sense of humour.

Try Abbacabs.

Parsley?

Yesh, Missh Moneypenny.

 

[oakiecokie]

Parsley?

Yesh, Missh Moneypenny.

Thats even funnier than the original joke.

 

[jimharri]

Thats even funnier than the original joke.

Not difficult.