Joke thread

Blue Mist said:
Very good but I wonder if you know the origins of that song ?

Bob Marley came to Manchester to do a concert and after the gig he went into the Grey Horse on Portland Street and asked for a Lambs Navy rum but was told they didn't have any so he asked for a pork pie. Again the landlord said they were sold out. He went home and feeling fed up, sat down and wrote the song ' No rum and no pie.'
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Makes me chuckle.
Lenny Henry from way back when wasn't it?
 
Old dear in the butchers grabs a steak she’s pulling it prodding it stretching it butcher shouts over, oy it’s not your husbands cock it won’t get any bigger playing with it.
 
Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.

“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey said, “and drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.”

“I invaded Gaul,” Caesar said, “and I too slew 100,000 Gauls.”

So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double
 
An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Pakistani meet in the waiting room at a hospital.

Over the course of a conversation, it becomes apparent that all three are expectant fathers, all are first-timers, and all their wives are in labour right at that very moment.

The three get talking and are getting on rather well when the doctor appears, looking a little bit flustered.

“Gentlemen, I’m pleased to say that all your wives have delivered healthy sons, my congratulations to all of you.

However, I’m afraid we do have a small problem. We’re a small hospital and we’re not used to the maternity ward being quite so busy- I’m afraid that the midwife forgot to label the cots. We don’t know whose is whose!”

The Pakistani gentlemen smiles and says “Well, I think I can probably pick mine out of the three, but you two have got a bit of a problem.”

“Nonsense!”, says the Welshman, “I can tell my own son! Come on, saesneg, we can sort this out between us.”

The Englishman reluctantly agrees, and the three troop off to the maternity ward. On arrival, the Englishman enters first and promptly returns with what is, very obviously, the Pakistani child.

The Pakistani fellow protests, as you would, to which the Englishman says:

“Sorry mate, but one of them in there is Welsh, and I’m not taking any chances!”
 
DazWA9 said:
Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.

“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey said, “and drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.”

“I invaded Gaul,” Caesar said, “and I too slew 100,000 Gauls.”

So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double
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Some jokes are so bad, they're good.
 
DazWA9 said:
Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.

“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey said, “and drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.”

“I invaded Gaul,” Caesar said, “and I too slew 100,000 Gauls.”

So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double
Click to expand...
Cheered me up....
 
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
 
BackofJeanette said:
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
Click to expand...

You need lockdown in rampton that is fucking shite:)
 
BlueMoonRisin' said:
A Limerick

There once was a virus called 'rona
Bored fapping has caused me glaucoma
I've fapped thrice a day from porn on display
And now I've become a sperm donor
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I caught the virus in wuhan
While I was having sex with my mam
I thought oh no this must be a joke
But I’ve now infected the rest of my family on my return to stoke:)

Inbred fuckers
 
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