Joke thread

[RadcliffeRick]

If anyone wants to come and talk to me about my shoddy joinery work, my door is always open!

You are @idahoblues And I claim my £5

 

[dickie davies]

 

[idahoblues]

If anyone wants to come and talk to me about my shoddy joinery work, my door is always open!

When you say door...do you mean the sheet of plywood wedged up against that big hole in the side of t house?

 

[sir baconface]

 

[bluemanchester]

View attachment 2252

One of them is not Happy.

 

[Xhavenjoe]

One of them is not Happy.

But 5 of them will be

 

[bluemanchester]

But 5 of them will be

And 2 will be grumpy

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money. The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it." The second replies, "One of my choirboys is epileptic!"

 

[Mid Wales blue]

I'd like to apologise for my behaviour at the photography club this evening.

I just snapped!

From what I’ve heard, the rest of the club are in a dark place, discussing all the negatives. Let’s just hope for your sake, as things develop the picture becomes clearer!

 

[Mid Wales blue]

Had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods tonight to compare dick sizes!!

fucking weirdo..............didn’t even turn up

sorry mate, fell over on the way to the meet, broke my arm had to go to A&E. To top it all off lost my phone with your number in it.
Anyway I’m free tonight, are you still up for it?

 

[Xhavenjoe]

sorry mate, fell over on the way to the meet, broke my arm had to go to A&E. To top it all off lost my phone with your number in it.
Anyway I’m free tonight, are you still up for it?

Probably was up for it but I'm guessing it's worn off by now

 

[Bill Walker]

How long does it take to fix two hearing aids, sent mine away last week and have heard nowt since .

 

[Fred_Quimby]

3 football supporters, A Chav, a City fan and a rag, out on a European night in Paris during the French Revolution and get caught up by the rabble. All 3 sentenced to the guillotine.

First up is the chav. Executioner says ‘you have a choice - face down or face the blade?’ Chav thinks he’s hard so chooses to face the blade. Executioner pulls the lever and nothing happens, pulls it time and time again and nothing happens. Eventually the Executioner says ‘it is true that if you survive the blade you walk free’ and the chav is released.

Next up is the City fan. Not to be outdone by the chav he chooses the face the blade as well. The same thing happens, the Executioner keeps yanking at the lever and nothing happens. He is allowed to join the chav in the local hostelry.

Next up is the rag and he to chooses to face the blade. Just as the Executioner is ready to pull the lever the rag ‘hang on a minute, I think I can’t see the problem’.

 

[ray21]

 

[Xhavenjoe]

View attachment 2601

I see your point there

 

[DazWA9]

 

[solley attwell]

A friend of mine went to canada to work for himself as a lumberjack
But because there has been so many accidents in recent years, the health and safety department have decreed that lumberjacks cannot work alone...... They must now work in trees/ threes

 

[bluemoon32]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.
"You dozy fucking twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

 

[dickie davies]

 

[sir baconface]

How long does it take to fix two hearing aids, sent mine away last week and have heard nowt since .

I took pity and gave this a like.

P.S. Are they ear yet?