Joke thread

For @mat

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Stu Francis i think:-

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.

6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.

8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.

10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.

11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

13. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.

18. My wife's working in a bowling alley. Ten pin? No, permanent.

19. I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.

20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.

21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.

22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down

26. Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome. Mum: Is it common? Dad: It's Not Unusual

27. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.

28. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.

29. I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2021

30. If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
 
Guy walks into a jewellers gets his dick out and puts it on the counter, the young lady working stares him straight in the eye this is a clock shop not a cock shop she tells him, thats alright he replies put 2 fucking hands on this
 
Imre_Banana said:
Staggered out of a club one night completely rat-arsed, so I thought it would probably be a good idea to take a taxi.

Made it home safely which is a miracle, as I've never driven a taxi before in my life.
Click to expand...
Someone I know in the early hours of the morning when pissed, decided to take a bus home and walked into Stockport bus station and came out driving a bus
He was headed towards Mersey square and saw a police car ahead, so pulled the bus over, got out and calmly walked away leaving the bus with the engine running
 
Indaparkside said:
Guy walks into a jewellers gets his dick out and puts it on the counter, the young lady working stares him straight in the eye this is a clock shop not a cock shop she tells him, thats alright he replies put 2 fucking hands on this
Click to expand...
That’s fucking brilliant!
 
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Imre_Banana said:
Coming out of the supermarket the other day, a woman was crying her eyes out saying she'd lost all her holiday money. Felt sorry for her so I gave her 50 quid.

I wouldn't normally do that sort of thing, but I'd just found two grand in the car park.
Click to expand...
That was a good punch line. It made me laugh
 
Man goes to the pub with his pet alligator & says to the barman , do you serve united fans in here

Barman says, certainly sir.

In that case man says I'll have a pint of lager & 2 united fans for the alligstor
 
Man goes into the doctors and says ‘doctor I keep thinking I’m a pig,
The doctor asks ‘ how long’s this been going on?,
The man replies ‘about six weeeeeks,
 
Two 90 year old men, Tommy and Billy, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Billy is dying, Tommy visits him every day. One day Tommy says, 'Billy, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'
Billy looks up at Tommy from his death bed, 'Tommy, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'
Shortly after that, Billy passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Tommy is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Tommy--Tommy.'
'Who is it? Asks Tommy sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Tommy--it's me, Billy.'
'You're not Billy. Billy just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Billy,' insists the voice.'
'Billy! Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Billy. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' says Tommy.
The good news,' Billy says,' is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' says Tommy. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're playing center half on Tuesday.'
 
TFC said:
Two 90 year old men, Tommy and Billy, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Billy is dying, Tommy visits him every day. One day Tommy says, 'Billy, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'
Billy looks up at Tommy from his death bed, 'Tommy, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'
Shortly after that, Billy passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Tommy is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Tommy--Tommy.'
'Who is it? Asks Tommy sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Tommy--it's me, Billy.'
'You're not Billy. Billy just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Billy,' insists the voice.'
'Billy! Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Billy. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' says Tommy.
The good news,' Billy says,' is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' says Tommy. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're playing center half on Tuesday.'
Click to expand...
A long time to spend reading (and writing) an oldie.......
 
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I was in a men’s clothes shop in Birmingham the other day... and asked the shop assistant for a kipper tie ?
He replied sorry we don’t do drinks...
 
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