Joke thread

[meltonblue]

As I regained consciousness in hospital from last night's car crash, the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity...

But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday...

 

[meltonblue]

The wife said “if you’re bored why don’t you make a bird table?”

Now she’s kicking off because I put her in fifth place...

 

[Bill Walker]

Believe one of the pyramids in Egypt let you drive in in your car

A sign outside it says
Toot an come in

 

[RadcliffeRick]

 

[Bill Walker]

I thought my new girlfriend might be 'the one' but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a french maid's outfit and a policewoman's uniform I've dumped her.

She obviously can't hold down a job.

 

[Bill Walker]

I'm starting to be careful about drink driving now Christmas isn't far away.

In fact last night l left my car at the pub and took the bus home.

I'm quite proud of myself, I’d never driven a bus before.

 

[sir baconface]

I thought my new girlfriend might be 'the one' but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a french maid's outfit and a policewoman's uniform I've dumped her.

She obviously can't hold down a job.

I was even more worried when I looked through my GF’s knicker drawer and found labels saying “Next”.

 

[Dicko69]

I was even more worried when I looked through my GF’s knicker drawer and found labels saying “Next”.

My mrs' has C&A, so she puts them on the right way

 

[yeseye]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

 

[jimharri]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar.



Those were the days.

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Bill Walker]

The Wi-Fi wasn't working last night so I sat talking to the missus for a while.

Interesting to find out she no longer works for Woolworths.

 

[Blue Mist]

The Wi-Fi wasn't working last night so I sat talking to the missus for a while.

Interesting to find out she no longer works for Woolworths.

Nimmers, March 2020, 2 days after lock down started wants its joke back. If you still have the receipt you can get a full refund.

 

[jimharri]

I used have a great job at a cats' home.

Unfortunately, I had to leave...

They reduced mowers.

 

[kippaxwarrior]

Just been to the greengrocers and I was sure I saw an onion singing a Bee Gees song. Turns out it was just a chive talking

 

[DrBlueBob]

Nimmers, March 2020, 2 days after lock down started wants its joke back. If you still have the receipt you can get a full refund.

Not if he got it from Woolworths.

 

[Barcon]

I used have a great job at a cats' home.

Unfortunately, I had to leave...

They reduced mowers.

No grass grows under your feet Jim.

 

[Mid Wales blue]

I used have a great job at a cats' home.

Unfortunately, I had to leave...

They reduced mowers.

Cutting all that grass took me hours.

 

[Bluechipblue]

I used have a great job at a cats' home.

Unfortunately, I had to leave...

They reduced mowers.

Was it because you dropped an 'E'?