Joke thread

BELLENDER said:
A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w***** out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished the sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?”
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players.”
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff.”
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?”
Click to expand...
Hooker?
 
Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'

Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied. "I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse"
 
Yesterday was a beautiful sunny, brisk winters day, and me and the wife were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch we stopped for lunch and
I asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said:
“Burrr… gurrr… King.”
 
saw this on line

11h
This disrespect to Ox I am reading here is disgraceful. Get rid of Ox, give the extra money to Gini. What kind of fans are we attracting these days? Ox is great asset in the team and a very good substitute. Gives 100% when on the pitch. Jeez. You been watching AFTV a bit much?


Replying to @KevLfc19


peter fletcher


Plus who else will pull that plough ?
 
A woman wakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" She whispers as she steps into the room, why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
I would have got out today..
 
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