Joke thread

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head"
 
Woman places an add in the local newspaper, I want a man who won’t beat me, won’t run away from me and is great in bed. 2 days later her door bell rings and
a man is sat there with no arms and legs, hi I’m Tim said the man I’ve come about your ad in the paper I won’t beat you as I have no arms and I won’t run a way from you as I have no legs, well what makes you think you’ll be a great lover says the lady
Well I rang the doorbell didn’t I said Tim
 
In ancient times, a king has a daughter who no man can satisfy sexually.
Many have tried on the promise of vast wealth as a reward, but a beheading if they fail.
A old, wizened bloke steps forward, confident he can claim the prize. Everyone laughs.
He convinces the princess to wear a mask, “It will enhance the pleasure”
Unseen, he pulls an enormous cucumber from his bag and gives the lady a good rogering.
After half-an-hour he stops and asks the princess how’s she’s liking it.
“Great” she said “I love a bit of finger before we start”.
 
Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport... Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly.

I actually laughed at that and thought I'm going to say it next time I'm stood waiting for my bag. Then I realised that won't be for about 3 years and there's no way I'll remember it!
 

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