Joke thread

KPXBLN said:
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
Click to expand...
I've seen "to all intensive purposes" on Bluemoon recently.

My only rule is to avoid clichés like the plague.
 
Chippy_boy said:
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?
Click to expand...
older than the hills that
 
Samantha went shopping with her new Italian boyfriend. She bought ice cream and is looking forward to licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan.
 
Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."
 
KS55 said:
Samantha went shopping with her new Italian boyfriend. She bought ice cream and is looking forward to licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan.
Click to expand...
Ah, Humphrey Littleton what a genius. Some of my faves...

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now, as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she might have an Old Man's Beard in her bush...


Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs...

...Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow, who's brought over a variety of caviars and a rare vodka-based apperitif. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in her hotel room, and then liqour out on the balcony...

...Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's meeting her new gentleman friend at the local hospital where he's an anaesthetist. He's promised to introduce her to some of his patients, and later on Samantha is hoping he'll let her help him knock one out...

...Samantha needs to nip out now as she has to buy a present for her new gentleman friend, who likes to play with his model boats at bathtime. Samantha says she's thought about him long and hard, and decided to give him a little tug for his birthday...

And my favourite:

...Samantha has to nip out now, as she's off to meet a gentleman friend who's helping her restore some old furniture. She's just purchased an antique chest of drawers which her friend says has suffered from having candles placed on it. Samantha says she's looking forward to stripping her new tall boy while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her...
 
Chippy_boy said:
Ah, Humphrey Littleton what a genius. Some of my faves...

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now, as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she might have an Old Man's Beard in her bush...


Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs...

...Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow, who's brought over a variety of caviars and a rare vodka-based apperitif. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in her hotel room, and then liqour out on the balcony...

...Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's meeting her new gentleman friend at the local hospital where he's an anaesthetist. He's promised to introduce her to some of his patients, and later on Samantha is hoping he'll let her help him knock one out...

...Samantha needs to nip out now as she has to buy a present for her new gentleman friend, who likes to play with his model boats at bathtime. Samantha says she's thought about him long and hard, and decided to give him a little tug for his birthday...

And my favourite:

...Samantha has to nip out now, as she's off to meet a gentleman friend who's helping her restore some old furniture. She's just purchased an antique chest of drawers which her friend says has suffered from having candles placed on it. Samantha says she's looking forward to stripping her new tall boy while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her...
Click to expand...
I was prompted to post that joke by a report of the death of the man who wrote it, Iain Pattinson. He did all the scripts for ISIHAC.
Unusual guy who gave up a career in business to become a comedy writer.

Iain Pattinson, the writer behind I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, dies at 68 : News 2021 : Chortle : The UK Comedy Guide

Iain Pattinson, the writer behind I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, dies at 68 - Tributes from across the world of comedy
www.chortle.co.uk www.chortle.co.uk
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming like the people in his car.
 
Chippy_boy said:
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?
Click to expand...
Don’t know why but that is the funniest thing I have read in a while. Thanks mate.
 
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