Joke thread

[Mozzer]

I hear that there's a nudist convention taking place next week. I might go along if I've got nothing on.

We had a 14 night holiday at a nudist camp, the first week was the hardest.

 

[balotellishaircut]

Chatting to a girl at a party, I asked her “what do your friends call you? “

“ Vivaldi “ she replied

“Ahh I see, bit of a violin player then ? “

She said “ Naah my names Viv and I work at Aldi “

 

[balotellishaircut]

Iv just bought a house with old period features.

She f**king hates it when I call her that.

 

[Big Swifty]

The World Double Entendre Championships start next week… Thinking of entering the wife!

The missus asked me for an entry form for these Championships, so I gave her one...

 

[JASR]

The missus asked me for an entry form for these Championships, so I gave her one...

She’ll be disqualified mate, I’ve already given her one

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[Dogtanian]

I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car yesterday.

I said, "Do you need any help with that plasma mate?"

He looked at me very angrily and said, "Fuck off you prick, it's a Kindle!"

 

[LWashington]

I noticed a small green plant growing in my neighbour's ornamental pond.
I said to the little boy who lives there, "There's something different in your pond, Do you know what it is" ?
He walked up to the pond, pointed and said "My mum's pistia".
I shouted "Well I've done that many a time and once I took a shit there too."