Joke thread

[balotellishaircut]

Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will.

Iv no idea where Sod Hall is though, I’m just off to google it now.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have a pair of trousers cleaned."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The bloke said, "No, it's toothpaste this time".

 

[Lavinda Past]

Holiday advice...

Men... Use viagra if you get badly sunburned on Holiday

It’s not the best solution, but it keeps the sheets off your legs.

 

[LWashington]

Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will.

Iv no idea where Sod Hall is though, I’m just off to google it now.

My uncle died and in his will wrote, "Finally I'm leaving no money to my nephew because he gets my goat."

That was ten years ago and I still haven't found the fucker.

So if you find Sod Hall, have a scout round the grounds, as there may well be an animal carcass somewhere.

 

[Lavinda Past]

An airplane is experiencing turbulence and starts going down. All of a sudden, A woman, fearing these are her last moments, stands up and yells out to the other passengers "Who here is man enough to make me feel like A woman."
After looking around, A man stands up and heroically rips off his shirt, tossing it at the woman, and says "here bitch, iron this!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A beautiful young lady goes into the gynecologist for a routine exam.

The doctor takes one look at her on the stirrups and says, “Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m going to have to numb the area.”

The young lady, worried for her health, quickly agrees.

The doctor bends down, peers closely at her lady parts, and says "num num num num num"

 

[Barcon]

Bloke walks into a clock shop and slaps his cock and bollocks on the counter.
The woman behind the counter says, "Sir, this is a clock shop".
Bloke says, "Yeah, can I get two hands and a face on this"?

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[SCEtoAUX]

here it is:


knock
knock knock
knock knock knock
knock knock knock knock knock

Who there’s ?

Fibonacci

Reminds me of the the fact the Benoit B Mandelbrot's middle initial stands for "Benoit B Mandelbrot"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Phil to see about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Phil told her, "Every day after your shower, rub your nipples and say, 'Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning, she ran late for work, got on the bus, and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the aisle and started chanting, "Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A nearby guy asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Phil's by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I am. How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked, and whispered, "Hickory, dickory, dock ... "

 

[Lavinda Past]

Someone has blocked up all the holes in my mate's apiary ...

It's unbelievable.

(This one's for @Stuuuuuu )

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Bill Walker]

Paddy is in court. and after an eight hour trial he pleads guilty. The judge says, ''Why didn't you plead guilty at first and save the court all this time? ''Paddy says, ''I thought I was innocent until I heard all the evidence!''

 

[MCFC68]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A sergeant in the Scots guard walked into the pharmacy, got out his wallet, and pulled out an old used condom with a hole in it.

He asked the chemist how much it would be to repair it.

"Well, we don't do that often but I have a glue and could patch it for 7 euros.

The sergeant asked "how much for a replacement?" "10 euros"

He walked away to think about it, returning later and says, "the men and I have decided to buy a new one"

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[mancity2012_eamo]

Paddy is in court. and after an eight hour trial he pleads guilty. The judge says, ''Why didn't you plead guilty at first and save the court all this time? ''Paddy says, ''I thought I was innocent until I heard all the evidence!''

That guy Paddy sounds like a right thick.
Where was he from?

I met a bloke from Australia who worked in I.T
I asked him "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[mrcunny]