Joke thread

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent e-mail with attachments. They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards.
They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
 
A man goes to the doctor seeking advice as he was having trouble getting an erection.

The doctor thinks for a little while and then says, “I got just the solution for you. Go home tonight and wait until your wife is sound asleep, then reach over and put your fingers between her legs and get some of her juice and rub it under your nose. Keep on doing that and it should get you an erection.”

So the guy thanks him and hurries on home. Later on that night he’s lying in bed and his wife is fast asleep. So he reaches over and starts rubbing the juice under his nose. After about a minute he can feel himself getting hard.

Excited he shakes his wife awake and says, “Look, honey, look what I’ve got!”

And she replies, “You woke me up at two in the morning to tell me your nose is bleeding...?!”
 
A teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought, Jane proudly replied with "Monday".

"Great Jane, that has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word?"

"I do, I do, me me me" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more 'mature' sense of humour, she picks Mike instead.

"Ok Mike, what is your word?"
"Saturday". says, Mike.

"Great Mike, that has three syllables, Sa...tur...day".

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word, pick me....."

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.
Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"

"No Miss" says Johnny, "You're thinking of blow job.... that's only two syllables".
 
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