Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Dicko69]

H J K M.... No L

Not a very good clue that, he'll still have dea

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Not a very good clue that, he'll still have dea

 

[Lavinda Past]

My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver ever. How many times have you derailed this year?"

I replied, " I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track."

 

[KS55]

My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver ever. How many times have you derailed this year?"

I replied, " I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track."

What’s the points?

 

[Lavinda Past]

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman says "drinks for everyone in the house, on me. I'm paying everybody's tab for the night!" The pub erupts in cheers.

The next day, the headline of the front page of the newspaper read "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub"

 

[Lavinda Past]

That's not a bad idea, actually.

 

[Barcon]

H J K M.... No L

Ahh. It only took me 5 days.

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[mcfcphil]

What’s the points?

it’s hard to gauge

 

[JASR]

it’s hard to gauge

I'm siding with @jimharri here, people are crossing the line.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[KS55]

I'm siding with @jimharri here, people are crossing the line.

Yes, we mustn’t derail the thread.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A therapist walks into the waiting room to welcome a new client.

When she arrives, she is surprised to see a man holding a full-sized house door.

Being professional, she calmly ushers him and his door back to her office and proceeds to ask what problems he’s been experiencing and how she can help him.

“Oh no, the therapy isn’t for me,” he replies, “it’s for the door.”

Still remaining professional, and trying to get to the root of the issue, the therapist asks “and why does your door need therapy?”

“Are you blind?” Says the man, “it’s clearly unhinged!”

 

[Lavinda Past]

A woman and baby are in the doctor's surgery, and the doctor is concerned about the baby's weight,

"Is he bottle-fed or breastfed?

The woman replies, "Breastfed."

The doctor gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts.

He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ...

"No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."

The woman replies, "I know, I'm his granny ... but I'm glad I came!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

An 80 year old msn goes to the Medical Center for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Nebraska and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old cowboy. 'In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Nebraska rancher and he hunts and fishes too!'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting Married??? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

 

[KS55]

A therapist walks into the waiting room to welcome a new client.

When she arrives, she is surprised to see a man holding a full-sized house door.

Being professional, she calmly ushers him and his door back to her office and proceeds to ask what problems he’s been experiencing and how she can help him.

“Oh no, the therapy isn’t for me,” he replies, “it’s for the door.”

Still remaining professional, and trying to get to the root of the issue, the therapist asks “and why does your door need therapy?”

“Are you blind?” Says the man, “it’s clearly unhinged!”

Never mind the door. Have you had therapy for your affliction?

 

[Grassland Blue]

It is said that some of Lavindas' jokes were too risque to be allowed on here.

Yes.




Lavinda's blue....




Taxi!!