Joke thread
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Lavinda Past
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jimharri
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What's the first sign of madness? Suggs meandering up your driveway.
First heard at the Brixton Alhambra, circa 1985. But it bears repeating.
First heard at the Brixton Alhambra, circa 1985. But it bears repeating.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach...."
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach...."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.? I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.? I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
jimharri
Moderator
Guy is sitting on the edge of the bed pulling off his boxers, to which his girlfriend said, "you spoil those dogs."
blue b4 the moon
Well-Known Member
Chris Eubanks?
The computer ursines eat beans ?!?
jimharri
Moderator
Police have confirmed this evening that the man who fell to his death from a nightclub roof last night was not a bouncer.
Sam Armstrong
Well-Known Member
Sam Armstrong
Well-Known Member
And this my friends is why I’m against men being allowed in sports
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
An 85 year old man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The barman asks:"hey, where did you get him?"
The parrot answers:"at the nursing home, they're all over the place there!"
The barman asks:"hey, where did you get him?"
The parrot answers:"at the nursing home, they're all over the place there!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I went to my doctor and he said "don’t eat anything fatty".
I said "like burgers and fries?"
He said "no Fatty, don’t eat anything"
I said "like burgers and fries?"
He said "no Fatty, don’t eat anything"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The chief engineer on a stream train got a new apprentice.
"What's your name, son?" the older man barked.
"It's Charles, sir," the apprentice replied.
"Listen to me, boy!" the engineer shouted angrily. "I have never called an apprentice by his first name! What's your last name, son?"
"It's Darling, sir."
"All right then, Charlie. Let's start shovelling some coal..."
"What's your name, son?" the older man barked.
"It's Charles, sir," the apprentice replied.
"Listen to me, boy!" the engineer shouted angrily. "I have never called an apprentice by his first name! What's your last name, son?"
"It's Darling, sir."
"All right then, Charlie. Let's start shovelling some coal..."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The inventor of the Hokey Cokey died recently. Everything was fine until they tried placing the body in the casket. It all started when they put his left foot in.
Tuearts right boot
Well-Known Member
⁹
Ooooh the old ones are the best.