Joke thread

I bought a dictionary from a second hand shop the other day.

I flipped the front cover to find that someone had ripped out the first hundred pages.

No 'Aardvark'. No 'Axe'. No 'Backgammon'...

So I flipped to the end and discovered that they'd also ripped out the last hundred odd pages.

No 'Wretched'. No 'Xylophone'. No 'Zebra'...


It just went from 'Bad' to 'Worse'...
 
A bird was sleeping in his nest at the top of a pine tree. Suddenly, there was a lot of noise and the whole tree started to shake.

He looked down and saw there was an elephant climbing the tree.

The bird said: "Hey! What are doing?!!? Why are you making so much racket???"

The elephant said: " I just want to climb up there and eat some pears!"

The bird said: "there are no pehereup here, you stupid elephant, this is a pine tree"


The elephant said: "it's OK I brought my own pears"
 
Not really a gag but not worth a thread of its own.

Is anyone married to a barista and if so do they wipe your tool with a J cloth after?
 
hammocity said:
True story, many years ago I had to take a test to ensure my fertility was in order (long story) so I had to provide a sample.

The instructions were to place the sample in the receptacle provided but it was so small it was advised to use a larger container first. So the embarrassment of having to take a tug for this purpose was bad enough but Mrs H offered to give me a hand.

I asked her to get me something to capture my output, she went downstairs and returned with the washing up bowl, I said "how much do you think is in there?" was laughing so much it took the tension away.
Click to expand...
The classic was...." Can you fill this sample jar ?"
"What, from here ??"
 
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