Joke thread

The teacher asked Little Johnny, "What's two and two?"
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?"
She said, "Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. "Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's three and three."
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?"
She said, "Yes, that's right, but you were still counting it on your fingers. "Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five."
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven.
 
Aliens arrive on Earth. A large delegation of countries’ and religious leaders gathers and comes to meet them. After greetings and introductions Earthlings start asking the aliens various questions.

When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks, “Do you know anything about our Savior and Lord God, Jesus Christ?”

“Oh, Jesus, of course,” replies an alien. “We know him well, he visits us every year to make sure we’re okay.”

Surprised, the Pope exclaims, “Every year? We’ve been waiting for his second coming for over 2,000 years!”

The alien goes, “Hmm, well, maybe he likes our chocolates more than yours.”

The Pope is amazed, “Chocolates?! What does that have to do with Christ?”

“Yeah, chocolates. When he first visited our planet, we gave him a big box of chocolates.... What did you do?”
 
oakiecokie said:
Ah the very first sketch of Porridge, with Ronnie Barker making that comment during his medical.
But the one that cracked me up was his continued arguments at having bad feet to get light duties.
The GP finally asking him had he ever been a practising homosexual, with Ronnie retorting "what with these feet".
Classic Barker !!
Click to expand...
My favourite sitcom.

Brilliantly written.
Brilliantly cast.
Brilliantly acted.
 
One for the ladies.....

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.


You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.


Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinking?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top