Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I saw a wig for sale in a shop today, it was only 50p.

I thought, that's a small price toupee

 

[lawton mellor]

View attachment 136474

I think its a Fjord not a chevy

 

[Lavinda Past]

The 2024 MTV EMAs in Manchester will be hosted by Rita Ora.

Or a what?

 

[Lavinda Past]

I fitted a carpet for Speedy Gonzales yesterday, and the cheeky fucker called me up today saying it's not soft enough.

I said 'I've used the best quality carpet, what more do you want?'

'Underlay, underlay!' He replied.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[Sam101]

I'm pretty sure that the best cure for a persistent cough is to stop drinking milk.


My elderly neighbour had a terrible, hacking cough for months on end, but since he started just leaving his milk on his doorstep a couple of weeks ago, it seems to have cleared up completely.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've had enough of Amazon.

Every time I order chicken pellets I get an email a few days later asking for their feed back!

 

[Lavinda Past]

My dog's just broken a mirror.

That's 49 years of bad luck.

 

[meltonblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I rang Kwik-Fit up and asked them if they had a headlight.

" What is it for," asked the mechanic.

I said, "So I can drive at night"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I remember receiving my 25m swimming certificate in primary school.

It came in the world's largest envelope.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went out with a five foot, fat bird when I was a lad...

I had no problem with her weight issue, but her three extra feet were a bit off putting.

 

[Lavinda Past]

To save money, my mate waits until the low overnight electricity rate clicks on to cut his grass.

So I asked him, don't you find it difficult mowing in the dark?

"No problem", he says , "The minute I start up, all the neighbours' lights come on"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A woman from London almost drowned after accidentally falling into a massive vat of pancake mix earlier today.

Fortunately, she was rescued and is now recovering in a home for battered women.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I recently visited the National Railway Museum in York. Unfortunately it was closed.

I went to the Bus Replacement Museum instead.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mad Nan always said that you can find out if an egg is fresh by putting it in a bowl of water.

If it sinks, it's fresh and you can eat it.

If it floats, it's a witch and you can burn it at the stake.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I had to explain to my 9 year old girl today she was adopted. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

Not sure she really understood. She just stood there wagging her tail.

 

[Bill Walker]