Joke thread

[meltonblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I rang Kwik-Fit up and asked them if they had a headlight.

" What is it for," asked the mechanic.

I said, "So I can drive at night"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I remember receiving my 25m swimming certificate in primary school.

It came in the world's largest envelope.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went out with a five foot, fat bird when I was a lad...

I had no problem with her weight issue, but her three extra feet were a bit off putting.

 

[Lavinda Past]

To save money, my mate waits until the low overnight electricity rate clicks on to cut his grass.

So I asked him, don't you find it difficult mowing in the dark?

"No problem", he says , "The minute I start up, all the neighbours' lights come on"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A woman from London almost drowned after accidentally falling into a massive vat of pancake mix earlier today.

Fortunately, she was rescued and is now recovering in a home for battered women.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I recently visited the National Railway Museum in York. Unfortunately it was closed.

I went to the Bus Replacement Museum instead.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mad Nan always said that you can find out if an egg is fresh by putting it in a bowl of water.

If it sinks, it's fresh and you can eat it.

If it floats, it's a witch and you can burn it at the stake.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I had to explain to my 9 year old girl today she was adopted. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

Not sure she really understood. She just stood there wagging her tail.

 

[Bill Walker]