Joke thread

[RadcliffeRick]

Pupil......

I told you I needed teaching. I missed that one :-)

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

I told you I needed teaching. I missed that one :-)

You mean you didn't see it ?

 

[East Level 2]

You mean you didn't see it ?

He's wearing blinkers.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Things Confucius never said

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Woman who dance wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Two wrongs do not make right, but two rights make U-turn

Man playing with tool not necessarily mechanic

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who jumps through turnstile in airport going to Bangkok.

Man who stick penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts

Man who farts in church sits in own pew

He who keeps both feet firmly on the ground has trouble putting on pants.

Foolish man give wife grand piano for birthday. Wise man give upright organ

 

[Vienna_70]

Things Confucius never said

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Woman who dance wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Two wrongs do not make right, but two rights make U-turn

Man playing with tool not necessarily mechanic

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who jumps through turnstile in airport going to Bangkok.

Man who stick penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts

Man who farts in church sits in own pew

He who keeps both feet firmly on the ground has trouble putting on pants.

Foolish man give wife grand piano for birthday. Wise man give upright organ

Brilliant!

 

[bladdered]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Two commuters use the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”

“My false teeth are killing me.”

“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”

“Oh please do...”

So he has look at his teeth and says “Give me a day or two.”

With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it.

He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but said they were “a little on the tight side.”

Tge other nan says, “Don’t worry, I’ll try again”

Two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.”

“Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.”

Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.”

Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit.

“Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!”

Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

I got some extra sensitive toothpaste ...

It really doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My missus pointed next to her on the bed and said “come here”.

I took a closer look and it was actually just toothpaste.

 

[Stockton Heath Blue]

Used to be called The Robin Hood which was the last pub my mate's (Phil) Dad was Landlord of back in the early 80's. It was Phil's funeral yesterday, he was 70, we gave him a good send off, he was a very gregarious, successful man, people flew from South Africa, Trinidad (where he lived for a few years) and South America for the funeral, big turn out for someone in their 70's.

Just to keep the post on thread, a colleague who still lives in Trinidad did his eulogy. They were in a bar in New York, a gobby yank approached them and said:

"I don't recognise your accent, where are you from". Phil (born and brought up in Ashton) said "Trinidad". It confused the Yank who answered back "isn't that a former colony of Great Britain?" Phil replied "yep, just like this place"

That was Phil all over, mischievous, intelligent, just fun. He was Best Man at my Wedding, I'll miss him, he passed away from Cardiac Amyloidosis which I'm sure many on here will have never heard off.

RIP big fella, you were a true friend.

We just had Ian Mellor's lads at our OSC meeting, who died from the very same thing. Bought his book for my next holiday reading.