Joke thread

Sam101 said:
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."


"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
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I heard Jethro tell that story many years ago, but it was Union Street in Plymouth and the Torpoint ferry.

For those of you, who don’t know where Torpoint is, look it up
 
Young boyfriend and girlfriend are sitting on the bench in the park. An elderly man sits on a bench nearby. He moves on his seat trying to find a comfortable position.

GIRL: my neck hurts

BOY: let me kiss it, babe. Is it better now?

GIRL: (giggles) Yes. But now my cheek hurts

BOY: let me kiss it, my love. How about now?

Intrigued, the elderly man, in some clear physical discomfort, keeps looking at the young couple.

GIRL: it’s better. But now my eye hurts.

BOY: Let me kiss it, my honey. How does it feel now?

GIRL (coyly) it’s so much better, but now my lips hurt, will you kiss them better?

At this point the old man got up and approached the couple, and in a wheezing voice, said "Pardon me, Young man, but do you ny any chance heal haemorrhoids ?"
 
Two madmen are locked in a mental institution and one is furiously writing a letter.

The other watches for long while before finally asking, “Who are you writing so intensely to?”

The madman looks up with tears and terror on his face. “I'm writing a letter to myself.”

The other nods. “Oh… What does it say?”

“I have no idea,” the madman replies, “I haven't received it yet.”
 
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said


"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,"

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the **** with the door!"
 
Indaparkside said:
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said


"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,"

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the **** with the door!"
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That's my first proper laugh since FT yesterday.
 
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