Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.
Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only weird if you read it backwards

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate visited an aboriginal settlement during his holiday in Australia, and threw a wild dog down their water hole for a laugh.

Dingo down well.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

This thread reminds me that no matter how much you are happy to see returning friends the novelty of their return wears off very quickly:-)

only joking, welcome back LP:-)

 

[Lavinda Past]

This thread reminds me that no matter how much you are happy to see returning friends the novelty of their return wears off very quickly:-)

only joking, welcome back LP:-)

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was on a date last night.

It was stuck to my trousers this morning.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My new job in Cyprus is going well.

I have to look out for people who fall asleep in a nightclub.

It's called, eye a napper.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My Colombian mate's opening a drug store in a supermarket.

He's calling it Pablo's Tescobar.

 

[chris63]

My local bakers are looking for someone to dress up to promote their bread products.

I think I'll give it a try .

I've always fancied myself as a roll model.

Dough

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A very elegant lady goes to the best tailor in Milan to make a cocktail dress.

She says, “It must have a low neckline , it must be very deep.”

“Madame we make the deepest necklines in the world.”

After a few weeks the lady returns to the tailor to try on the dress. She tries it on, the tailor looks at her and says

"In my opinion the neckline is too deep madane"

"No it isn't" she replies

"Madame do you have hair on your chest ?"

"No.. none at all!"

"Madame, do you have any on your belly?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Then Madame, I can assure you.. the neckline really is too deep"

 

[Bri1975]

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

An updated version of an ageing joke.

A them is running down the street" shouting, "Grape, grape, we've just been graped!"

A passer by says "surely you mean you've been raped!"

"No - there was a bunch of 'em".....

I posted that joke a few years ago and got a fair bit of abuse for it..."Poor Taste", "Inappropriate" etc, and that was even before all this current woke nonsense.

 

[mancity2012_eamo]

With glasses on and without

Don’t be such a more on.

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[BigJoe#1]

View attachment 147952

Missing the joke here!

 

[Lavinda Past]

Missing the joke here!

Starmer thinks that god exists?

 

[bladdered]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic..

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work...

An Arse Hole is usually in charge.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I read an article about a university in America developing an app that will help identify what kind of fetishes an individual would be into, but it’s still a while off…

They haven’t worked out all the kinks yet.