Joke thread

"bless me Father, for I have sinned"

'what is the nature of your wandering from the path, my child?'

"I'm ashamed to say that I have committed adultery"

'Alright, I can grant absolution, but I shall need to know the lady's name'

"Don't ask me that, Father, I couldn't possibly divulge such information"

'Unless you tell me, I cannot help you. Was it, perhaps, Mary O'Connor, the grocer's wife?'

"Please don't ask again, Father, I'd never forgive myself if I betrayed her confidence."

'Was it perhaps Sinead McGregor, the librarian?'

"Honestly, Father, it would go against everything I stand for"

'If you could just give me a clue - was it Molly Murphy, the baker's daughter?'

"It's no good, Father, I shall just have to live with my shame."

With that he walks out of the Church and is met by his friend, eager to know whether he received absolution.

"No", he answers, "but he gave me some crackin' leads!"
 
An Irishman was sitting next to a mormon on a plane.
The stewardess asked the Irishman what he would like to drink?
"Oill have a whisky" he says.
A whisky was given to the Irishman.

The stewardess then asked the mormon what he would like to drink?
The mormon replied, "I would sooner be raped by a dozen savage whores than let one drop of alcohol pass my lips!"

At this point the Irishman handed his drink back saying, "Oim sorry, oI didn't realise that we had a choice!"
 
A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:
She asked. "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....
"Mop and bucket, till 5."
 
"We've decided to go overseas for our holidays this year"

'oh yeah? Where?'

"The Isle of Wight"

'The Isle of Wight? That's hardly overseas!'

"Oh no? You try walking there!"

********

Mick, in reminiscent mood:
"I saw one of those old milk floats the other day - that really took me back, I tell you"

Jack replies: 'I can go back further than that - I remember when they used horses'

Puzzled, after thinking for a while, Mick asks: 'What, instead of cows?'
 
Three old guys on the tee:

With the honour, Moses steps up and tops his 3-wood.

The ball is rolling towards the hazard when suddenly the water parts, allowing the ball to trundle up right next to the flag.

"Nice shot" says Jesus, as he steps up to the tee.

He also tops his, but this time the ball reaches the lake. Amazingly, though, it floats on the surface and dribbles across to the green, coming to rest next to Moses' ball.

"Nice shot" says Moses.

Now it's the last guy's turn. He hits the worst shot of the lot and watches his ball travel up to the water, then sink to the bottom.

Seconds later, a fisherman reels in an enormous fish, which they can all see has the golf ball in its mouth.

In its efforts to escape, the fish spits the ball up into the air where it's caught by a passing bird.

As the bird flies over the green it realises that it can't do anything with it and so drops the ball, whereupon it rolls to within 6 inches of the flag.

At this point a squirrel races out from the bushes and as it crosses the green its tail catches the ball and knocks it into the hole.

"Oh, ffs", says Moses to Jesus "there's no point playing, with your Dad in this mood..."
 
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While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. so ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.
 
Accidentally messed my pants whilst on the escalator in the Trafford Centre.
I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
 
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