Joke thread

Five pearls of wisdom to remember.‏
1. Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Ferrari than it is on a push bike.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help a man when he's in trouble and he'll be sure to remember you when he's in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again neither does milk.
 
A young man wanted to get his grandmother something very special for her 90th birthday. He searched and searched and finally found what he considered the perfect gift in an exclusive pet shop. It was a parrot that spoke ten languages.
He had the parrot shipped to his Granny and waited a few days for her response. When he didn't hear from her, he called to find out if she had received the bird and what she thought of his gift.
He asked: "Grandma, what did you think of that amazing bird I sent?"
She replied: "Oh, it was delicious!"
Shocked, he replied, " But Granny, you ate it? That parrot could speak ten different languages! And you ate him!"
"Well," she answered, " He should have said something."
 
A woman runs screaming into the pro shop at a golf course. The pro on duty asks her to calm down and tell him what's wrong. She says:
"I was just stung by a wasp!"
And he inquires:
"Where exactly?"
She replies:
"Between the first and second hole."
The pro responds:
"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide.
 
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