Joke thread

I went to the doctors with
hearing problems.

He said, "Can you describe
the symptoms?"

I said, "Homers a fat bloke and Marge
has blue hair
 
"Firstly, THANK YOU everyone for your concern.
I’m ok — just a bit shaken up, but I’ll be fine.

For those who don’t know what happened, I was robbed this afternoon
in broad daylight at the petrol station.

After it happened my hands were shaking, I felt dizzy and I was probably'
in shock. My money was gone, so I called the police. They were fantastic
and even called an ambulance because my blood pressure was through the roof.

The officer asked if I knew who did it…
I said:
Yes… it was pump number 4.”
 
A horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter.

An old bloke sitting in the corner nursing his half says 'I can't believe what I've just heard. A horse talking and asking for a pint of bitter?'

The landlord says 'I can't believe it as well. He usually asks for a Gin and Tonic'.
 
Last edited:
NPBlue said:
A horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter.

An old bloke sitting in the corner nursing his half says 'I can't believe what I've just heard. A horse talking and asking for a pint of bitter?'

The landlord says 'I can't believe it as well. He usually asks for a Gin and Tonic'.
Click to expand...
A white horse goes into a pub and the landlord says "why the long face?"
"We've got a whisky named after you".


"What, Eric?" The horse replies.
 
Grassland Blue said:
A white horse goes into a pub and the landlord says "why the long face?"
"We've got a whisky named after you".


"What, Eric?" The horse replies.
Click to expand...
That’s as old as this one:

Eric the Horse is playing for Lancashire Cricket Club, he’s scored a ton, boundaries all over the gaff, with one ball left Lancs need two to win, he hits a ball to the boundary, his partner says “two, thats enough” Eric calm as you like holds his hoof up convinced he’s getting a four, fielder collects the ball, game over, Lancs lose. Eric’s partner absolutely perplexed says “for fucks sake why didn’t you run?”

Eric replies, “if I could run I’d have won the Derby and be shagging mares three times a day, I’m not running 44 yards to win a poxy cricket match”.
 
Thanks everyone for your concern. First off, I'm OK although tbh I was a bit shook up. If you don't already know, I was robbed at the petrol station earlier this morning.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.
They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however.
The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, Yes, it was pump number 1
 
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