Joke thread

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” Then newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It's a rule that if you fart it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I'm an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”
 
Last night I went out for a few drinks and a meal. One thing led to another - I had a few too many beers, moved onto wine, and topped it all off with coffee and brandy.
Not a great idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I made the smart decision to leave my Harley behind and take a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers for breathalyzer tests. Since I was on a bus, they just waved me through.
I made it home safely and without incident which really surprised me, because I’ve never driven a bus before.
 
Not a joke, but a great put down I heard about 45 years ago:

"All his geese are swans," meaning he thinks he’s better than he is or his property isn’t as good as he claims.
 
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