Joke thread

A shop worker feels horny so decides to have a wank there and then. Going at it he hears the manager approaching, he panicks n shoves his cock in till!
"You look happy" says the owner. "Yeah" replies the worker "I've just cum into some money"
 
‎'Knock knock', `Who's there` `Cheryl Cole``Sorry, you'll have to speak more clearly`

I said to a guy in the pub, `I've just heard you've got some hearing aids for sale` he said, `well you don't f*****g need any then`

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump, 'when I got to the door I couldn't jump. The 6'7" man mountain black instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this baby right up your ar*e.".
Mick says, 'Did you jump?' Paddy says, 'A bit, when it first went in.

I had curried pelican at the local Indian last nigh, not bad, but the f*****g bill was enormous.

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.
The Constable said, "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes"
He said, "I'm afraid I have to tell you that it looks like she’s been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
 
Came out of the pub the other night and some prick threw cheese at me........I thought thats mature!

Bought this new aftershave.......its called "breadcrumbs"......the birds love it!
 
Putting Sepp Blatter back in charge of Fifa is like making Gary Glitter the Education Secretary........you just know there's going to be a lot of Fiddling
going on!
 
It was just over a fortnight ago, that my wife left me because of my obsession with Sinead O'Connor.

In fact, it's been about seven hours and fifteen days.



I've got the mother in law round for dinner tomorrow night. Anybody know any good recipes involving cucumbers?



Peter Beardsley is the latest 'celebrity' to be at the centre of a super injunction scandal.

Apparently the girl he shagged doesn't want to be named.
 
Came out of the supermarket this morning. All of a sudden a man threw a pint of milk, a lump of cheese and a tub of ice cream at me.

How dairy!
 
Nothing makes me happier than when I'm slapping my balls against my wife's chin.

2 snooker balls inside a sock is genius.

My latest business venture is in ruins.
I formed a new club teaching young kids to play the violin. One month in and not one child has showed up.
In hindsight, calling it kiddie fiddlers probably wasn't a smart move.
 
i used to be a werewolf, but im alright nooooooooooooooooooooow.

i loved donkeys so much as a kid, my dad said i'll turn into one, ee or ee or ee or ways said that.
 

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