Joke thread

A shop worker feels horny so decides to have a wank there and then. Going at it he hears the manager approaching, he panicks n shoves his cock in till!
"You look happy" says the owner. "Yeah" replies the worker "I've just cum into some money"
 
‎'Knock knock', `Who's there` `Cheryl Cole``Sorry, you'll have to speak more clearly`

I said to a guy in the pub, `I've just heard you've got some hearing aids for sale` he said, `well you don't f*****g need any then`

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump, 'when I got to the door I couldn't jump. The 6'7" man mountain black instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this baby right up your ar*e.".
Mick says, 'Did you jump?' Paddy says, 'A bit, when it first went in.

I had curried pelican at the local Indian last nigh, not bad, but the f*****g bill was enormous.

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.
The Constable said, "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes"
He said, "I'm afraid I have to tell you that it looks like she’s been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
 
Came out of the pub the other night and some prick threw cheese at me........I thought thats mature!

Bought this new aftershave.......its called "breadcrumbs"......the birds love it!
 
Putting Sepp Blatter back in charge of Fifa is like making Gary Glitter the Education Secretary........you just know there's going to be a lot of Fiddling
going on!
 
It was just over a fortnight ago, that my wife left me because of my obsession with Sinead O'Connor.

In fact, it's been about seven hours and fifteen days.



I've got the mother in law round for dinner tomorrow night. Anybody know any good recipes involving cucumbers?



Peter Beardsley is the latest 'celebrity' to be at the centre of a super injunction scandal.

Apparently the girl he shagged doesn't want to be named.
 
Came out of the supermarket this morning. All of a sudden a man threw a pint of milk, a lump of cheese and a tub of ice cream at me.

How dairy!
 
Nothing makes me happier than when I'm slapping my balls against my wife's chin.

2 snooker balls inside a sock is genius.

My latest business venture is in ruins.
I formed a new club teaching young kids to play the violin. One month in and not one child has showed up.
In hindsight, calling it kiddie fiddlers probably wasn't a smart move.
 
i used to be a werewolf, but im alright nooooooooooooooooooooow.

i loved donkeys so much as a kid, my dad said i'll turn into one, ee or ee or ee or ways said that.
 
The last few weeks,mrs TTT and me have started wearing boxing gloves to bed.The next morning,the trainers are on,with the headband,as we're pounding the streets,listening to The Eye Of The Tiger.

































i think we're going through a Rocky patch.
 
Nothing makes me happier than when I'm slapping my balls against my wife's chin.

2 snooker balls inside a sock is genius.

My latest business venture is in ruins.
I formed a new club teaching young kids to play the violin. One month in and not one child has showed up.
In hindsight, calling it kiddie fiddlers probably wasn't a smart move.
 
JoeMercer'sWay said:
TTTCITYBHOY said:
The last few weeks,mrs TTT and me have started wearing boxing gloves to bed.The next morning,the trainers are on,with the headband,as we're pounding the streets,listening to The Eye Of The Tiger.

































i think we're going through a Rocky patch.
Click to expand...

celtic are good at football...


well us English find it hilarious...
Click to expand...
?
 
Man walks into a lift, the biggest blackguy he has ever seen is standing in it. The black guy, noticing the man's scared face says, "yep, that's right, 6 foot 9, 370 pounds of pure muscle, 15 inch Dick, Turner brown. As he is just about to say "please to meet you", the guy faints. 10 minutes pass and the little man wakes up. The black man says, "hi, I'm turner brown, we met in the lift, did I scare you?", the little man says, "im sorry, it's just....I thought you said turn around".
 
Where did the chicken cross the road?







To watch the grannies rock and roll.
 
I was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and I said " you remind me of my little toe " she said "is that because I'm small and cute? " I replied " No it's because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table "


The missus rang me on my mobile today ranting " Where the hell are you?" I said " Can you remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday? The one that had those earrings you liked in the window?" "Yes" she said in a more cheerful tone. I said "well I'm in the pub next door"
 
I couldn't find the fucking thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.


A man has been rushed to hospital after a bizarre sex game went wrong and left him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse. Doctors describe his condition as 'stable'


Little Johnny's Teacher says - whoever can answer the following questions can have a half day from school. Who said "...ask not what your country can do for you" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy shouts "John F Kennedy" Teacher says "very good, Nancy, you can go" Teacher asks "who said - I have a dream" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary shouts - "Martin Luther King" Teacher says very good Mary, you can go" Johnny is raging & just as teacher turns her back Johnny says "I wish those two slags would have kept their mouths shut" Teacher looks & says "who said that" Johnny replies "Ryan Giggs - I'll see you tomorrow!"


My dog ate a condom last night.Try explaining that to the vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse.
 
"Got my wallet stolen by a fella wearing a camoflauge jacket on a pair of crutches ! I shouted after him, listen pal you can hide but you cant run"


My polish wife is struggling to come to terms with the english language. The other night she said to me
"Me be going out with friends this night" smiling. i had to correct her

"no your fucking not ! "


i`ll get my coat
 
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