Joke thread

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

I was playing chess with my mate and I said, "Let's make this interesting". So we stopped playing chess.

My mate drowned so we all chipped in for a wreath for the funeral in the shape of a life jacket. It's what he would have wanted.

Similies. What are they like?
 
Dear Santa, For Christmas I'd like a big fat bank account and a lovely slim girlfriend.

PLEASE don't mix them up like you did last year
 
After landing myself in jail....I spent the first 4 hours getting relentlessly bummed.


.......i think my dad takes monopoly far too seriously!!!



What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas ?

Their heads.






Got the bus into town yesterday to do some Christmas shopping with my daughter.
Much to my delight a few of her friends were on the bus too, so I was having great fun mucking around and embarrassing her in front of her mates, like any dad would do.
"Dad," she hissed, finally, "Please sit down ......

.........and put your cock away!"
 
I got into a lot of fights when I was a kid. I had that Attention Deficiency Disorder... so I didn't finish most of them.

The world is a dangerous place. Only yesterday I walked into Argos and punched somebody in the face.

I was made to walk the plank when I was a kid. We couldn't afford a dog.

I'm dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
 
There was no way I was gonna go hungry this Christmas. So I went to Tesco and nicked a turkey. The security guard saw me and ran after me shouting; "Oi! what you doing with that"!?I shouted back "Potatoes, peas, carrots & gravy you twat"!
 
Said to the wife, "now,what dya want for Crizzy yer' fat cow", so she said "hey,don't get fkin lippy", so i said " ok love, just the mascara and hairstraighteners then".
 
"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder while you're out?", my wife has just asked.

"Can you not wait until you've opened your presents tomorrow?", I replied.
 
Breaking News: Manchester United have issued a statement to confirm they will NOT be postponing their home game against Wigan on Boxing Day, despite the proposed tube strike that day in London!
 
I took my girlfriend to meet my parents the other day. My Dad leaned over and whispered to me "What the hell are you doing with a bow legged, one armed, no toothed, cross-eyed, bald girlfriend?" I said "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf".
 
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender 'Has my brother been in'.

The bar tender replies 'I dunno, what does he look like?'

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When I was younger my dad worked on the roadworks. I was convinced he was stealing from work, but couldn't prove it. But when I got home all the signs were there.

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A moth went to the doctors and the doctor says ' yes Mr moth, how can I help you?' You can't' said the moth - 'I feel fine.' The doc says 'well why have you come to the doctors?'. The light was on' replied the moth.

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I was once obsessed with stealing meat. I was once going to Morrisons and saw the juiciest sirloins on the top shelf. I was going to nick them but the steaks were too high.

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What's E.T. short for? He has got little legs.
 
I'm in the doghouse. The Mrs said, ''If you turn the lamp off I'll take it up the arse.''
Maybe I should have waited until the bulb cooled down a bit.
 
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