Joke thread

oddfellows said:
johnmc said:
Ancient Citizen said:
It's Good Friday this week and thoughts turn to a bloke with long hair, who will always be remembered for dying on the end of a cross.
Happy easter Andy Carroll.
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Jesus wasnt nailed to "the end of a cross". Just nailed to a cross.
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It says died on the end of a cross not nailed to the end of a cross.
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Andy Caroll isn't dead either
 
Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it"

Wife texts back:
"Computer completely fucked now."
 
Paddy & Mick swap sandwiches at work....
Paddy spits it out & says "wot the bloody hell was on that?"
Mick replies "Crab Paste."
Paddy says "where did u get that?" Mick replies" Saw it on offer when I was in the chemist !!!
 
Two Chinese burglars plot a break in at a Scottish distillery. One says to the other, "Is it Whisky?"
"Yes", the other one replies, "but not as whisky as a bank wobbery!"??
 
wifes sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so fooking angry , what sort of sick bitch puts chloroform in her dirty knickers??.
 
My rather large girlfriend decided to take an aerobics class, She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time the fat cow got her leotard on the class was over!
 
An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
 
What that dirty bastard Ched Evans did is fuckin disgusting.

I mean who goes to Rhyl for a night out!
 
As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"? To which I replied "Take a wild fucking guess love"!<br /><br />-- Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:29 pm --<br /><br />Obviously Ched Evans misunderstood when Danny Wilson asked him to be more aggressive in the box!!
 
Little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat. "How did you know it was dead" asks teacher. "Because I pissed in its ear & it did'nt move" says the boy. "You did what?" shrieks teacher. "You know" explains the boy, "I leant over & went Pssst & it didn't move
 
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my mate, ''That's us in ten years.'' He said, ''That's a mirror, you daft ****.''
 
Two old ladies outside the nursing home having a smoke. it starts to rain. One of them pulls out a condom and cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. "Whats that" asks her friend. "A condom it keeps my cigarette dry. you can buy them from a chemist."
Next day her friend hobbles into the chemist and asks for a box of condoms. The embarrassed chemist asks which brand? "It doesn't matter son as long as it fits a camel.."



You can tell when Drogba is playing because the 4th official is a life guard..



The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They have imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and the crafty bastards are going to drill for their own oil..!!!!
 
Breaking news............... The man who took Ryanair to court for loosing his luggage......... has lost his case
 
A football fan in Manchester sees a vicious dog attacking a pram... He's run over, fights the dog and kills it. A reporter from Manchester Evening News says to him "You're a hero and I can see the headlines now"

UNITED FAN SAVES BABY FROM DOG ATTACK!!

The fan says "I'm not a united fan" the reporter says "ok"

CITY FAN SAVES BABY FROM
DOG ATTACK!

The fan says "actually I support Liverpool". "ok" goes the reporter

SCOUSER MURDERS FAMILY PET!
 
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