Joke thread

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about the fucking time you threatened to leave"!!


Rangers v Portsmouth...
Just been comfirmed for end of season friendly, being billed as..


EL BRASSICO :-)


I got chatted up by this bird, she asked "Do you have a nickname?", i replied "well my mates call me the sledge!!". "Is that cuz your fast and sleek"? she giggled,

i said "no, its cuz im always getting pulled by dogs!!"

I was sitting in a restartaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I turned round and this bloke shouts,

"Thats just for fuckin starters!"


Scientists have found that many women develop "dysons disease" after a year of marriage. They make a continuous fucking whining noise but dont suck any more.


a man went to the doctors today and said 'every time I masturbate I seem to shout "
come on united' the doctor replied 'yeah , most wankers do'
 
Woman in Asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy! She asks him to carry her shopping to her car. On the way she can't hold back any more and says "I've got an itchypussy". He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these Japanese cars look the same to me
 
The lady next door came to my door asking if I knew anything about some washing missing from her clothes line. I almost shit her pants!
 
2 scousers opening a shop in Manchester, are sitting in the empty shop
waiting for supplies to be delivered.
1st one says to his mate
"Bet you we have some nosey manc asking what we,re selling"
Sure enough, within 5 minutes, the door opens & small Manc guy says
"Wot you selling in here mate?"
Scouser says "We're selling arseholes"
Without missing a beat, the Manc replies "You must be doing well, you've only got 2 left!"
 
Apparently 4 billion people will be watching the Olympics opening ceremony, well not me ! If I wanted to look at a bunch of twats who haven't worked for the last four years wandering around in tracksuits I'd go into Liverpool.

-- Sat Apr 28, 2012 12:55 pm --

A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag. She said, "Have you got a light cock?"
I replied, "Well it floats in the bath!"
 
380349_321395674597597_162954590441707_739997_1137770007_n.jpg
 
Man Utd dressing room b4 KO on Monday. 'Right lads we should've had this title wrapped up but we've been sloppy. We can't let these blue cunts snatch it now because they'll never let us live it down. They stung us 6-1 last time. I don't care what you do punch, elbow, push, pull, kick or dive get the fuck out there & get it done!' At this point Ferguson steps in 'Cheers ref I'll take it from here!'
 
Boy says to his mum. "i've got the biggest cock at nursery is it because i'm special?" she replies "no it's cos you're 28 and a fuckin idiot now be a good boy, sit still and dont get spaghetti hoops down your man utd shirt.
 
Is it true that Bonnie Prince Charlie was name after 3 sheep dogs ??
 
Just got myself a 6ft 5 girlfriend. We haven't had sex yet but I'm looking forward to our 1st time. Apparently, she has a very small fanny cos evrywhere we go, I hear men say 'Here comes that gorgeous bird with the little ****'.




Dr to Lady Patient: Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are ok. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.
Lady swings into action, removes her panties and spreads her legs....
Dr: No! No! Put your clothes back on... just show me your tongue!...


A guy is watching the TV and suddenly yells,
"Don't enter that church, you daft ****!!''

His wife asks him, ''What are you watching?''

"Our wedding video"
 
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