Joke thread

Roses are red, nuts are brown, skirts go up, pants go down, body to body, skin to skin, when its stiff, stick it in, it goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer its in, the stronger it gets, it comes out dripping and it starts to sag, its not what you think, its a tetleys teabag ;)<br /><br />-- Thu Jan 24, 2013 3:17 pm --<br /><br />Gary & Steve are two wildlife experts filming lions out in Kenya.

After about half an hour, they decide to get a closer look. Then, Gary notices Steve taking off his walking boots and changes into a pair of Nike trainers.

Gary asks "What ya doing? You'll never outrun a lion in those!!"

To which Steve replies "Fuck the lion as long as I outrun you"
 
Went to the one pound bakery for a cake. All the cakes were priced £1 except for one on the counter, which was £3.
I asked "why are all the cakes a quid, and that one is 3 quid?"
Baker said, "That's Madeira Cake".
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
 
Clevers said:
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
Click to expand...




Brilliant
 
Doctor, doctor. I have a hard time making friends, you fucking cocksucker.

Bloke in Newfoundland drives into a garage with a flat. Looks like you blew a seal. Nah, that's just mayonaise from me samwich.
 
Anyone seen to the two peodophile snow clearers about?
Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter

Credited to poster on this thread: <a class="postlink-local" href="http://forums.bluemoon-mcfc.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=276074&start=250" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">viewtopic.php?f=5&t=276074&start=250</a>
 
STOKE CITY V MANCHESTER CITY game under threat
i spokesman for stoke city football club when asked today, how many ticket`s had been sold for tomorrows match said, "you could count the number of tickets sold on the fingers of one hand"
 
Fucking hate double standards. Some bird gets a rampant rabbit and its seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240 Volt FuckMaster 5000 Latex Revolving Pussy with Elasticated Anus and Imitation Shit Dribble with Breast Nipple Discharge and Semen Collection Tray, complete with optional built in Realistic Rape Scream Sound System, I'm apparently a dirty twat.
 
One night a Priest is laying in his bed when he hears 'Mark, Mark'
Astonished he turns on the light 'Is that you Lord are you calling me?'
He looks around but there is nothing except again 'Mark, Mark'
'Lord, I am here, Mark your faithful servant tell me what you want'
The priest looks under his bed, nothing, in the wardrobe nothing except the repetitive 'Mark, Mark'
'Lord I am your servant the Priest shouts 'tell me where youare'
He then realises the sound is coming from outside. Again he hears 'Mark, Mark' so he throws open the window and looks out and shouts 'I am here Lord' However on looking down all he saw was a dog with a hair lip.
 
When my brother was sent to jail, he took it really bad.

He refused all food and drink, sat and swore at anyone who tried to get near him and started smearing his own shit over the walls in protest.

After that, we never played monopoly again.
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping. By the time they arrive at their campsite it's already dark, so they put up the tent, crawl inside and go to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Holmes suddenly shakes Watson awake. 'Watson, Watson, wake up! Look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce!'

Watson has of course always been in awe of the brilliant Holmes's powers of deduction. He racks his brain to think of what Holmes must have figured out.

'Well, I look up into the night sky and I see thousands and thousands of points of light; some of these are stars, but some are galaxies which themselves contain millions or billions of stars. So I deduce that somewhere out in this vast universe, there must be another planet just like ours where two people are having this same conversation.'

Homes replies, 'No, Watson, you fool. Somebody stole our tent.'
 
A girl sends a text to her boyfriend... If you are sleeping send me your dreams.if your laughing send me your smile.if your eating send me a bite.if your drinking send me a sip.if your crying send me your tears I love you..
The boyfriend replies:I'm having a shit what should I do ?
 
bazbarrybazzer said:
When my brother was sent to jail, he took it really bad.

He refused all food and drink, sat and swore at anyone who tried to get near him and started smearing his own shit over the walls in protest.

After that, we never played monopoly again.
Click to expand...

My next door neighbour was raped, forced to peform oral sex on another man, beaten, spat on and generally just horribly abused whilst in jail.

Consequently he hasn't been round to play Monopoly with us again.
 
A wife says to her husband " I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back" He says " Well what do you expect your in a wheelchair"
No offense to anyone in a chair
 
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