Joke thread

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about the fucking time you threatened to leave"!!


Rangers v Portsmouth...
Just been comfirmed for end of season friendly, being billed as..


EL BRASSICO :-)


I got chatted up by this bird, she asked "Do you have a nickname?", i replied "well my mates call me the sledge!!". "Is that cuz your fast and sleek"? she giggled,

i said "no, its cuz im always getting pulled by dogs!!"

I was sitting in a restartaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I turned round and this bloke shouts,

"Thats just for fuckin starters!"


Scientists have found that many women develop "dysons disease" after a year of marriage. They make a continuous fucking whining noise but dont suck any more.


a man went to the doctors today and said 'every time I masturbate I seem to shout "
come on united' the doctor replied 'yeah , most wankers do'
 
Woman in Asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy! She asks him to carry her shopping to her car. On the way she can't hold back any more and says "I've got an itchypussy". He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these Japanese cars look the same to me
 
The lady next door came to my door asking if I knew anything about some washing missing from her clothes line. I almost shit her pants!
 
2 scousers opening a shop in Manchester, are sitting in the empty shop
waiting for supplies to be delivered.
1st one says to his mate
"Bet you we have some nosey manc asking what we,re selling"
Sure enough, within 5 minutes, the door opens & small Manc guy says
"Wot you selling in here mate?"
Scouser says "We're selling arseholes"
Without missing a beat, the Manc replies "You must be doing well, you've only got 2 left!"
 
Apparently 4 billion people will be watching the Olympics opening ceremony, well not me ! If I wanted to look at a bunch of twats who haven't worked for the last four years wandering around in tracksuits I'd go into Liverpool.

-- Sat Apr 28, 2012 12:55 pm --

A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag. She said, "Have you got a light cock?"
I replied, "Well it floats in the bath!"
 
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