Joke thread

Surely Oscar Pistorious can't be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines Day and shoot all over his wife's face while imagining she was someone else ?
 
The pope was on a visit to Liverpool and he invited people with problems to be part of the audience, Billy was the first up and asked the pope to help with his hearing, the pope put his hands over Billy's ears and said a prayer, how is your hearing now he asked, billy replied, I don't know it's not till next Wednesday......
 
Michael Le Vell has already landed a new acting role.

He'll be starring in Fiddler on the Roof.
 
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.

Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!
 
I saw this one on facebook yesterday, it's a bit of a read, but well worth it.

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
 
I put a porn film in the DVD player the other day, sat to down to watch, and it was just a picture of some old bloke with his **** in his hand.

Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on.





First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius.

I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It""





Latest food health scare concerns Chinese burgers - Scientists have discovered they are quarter pandas
 
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last
breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered
that he had found a Manischewitz' wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary
Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic [ultra religious] Rabbi,
complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how dis voiks. You got tree
vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!'

'So Votts to lose? Looks tu me - you're a goner ennyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie
was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plenty of food
and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen
and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Hokee-dokee kiddo, vat's mit your secund vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * *again mit da P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems & riches beyond his wildest dreams.

'Hokay kid, lissin up ,you got jus vun more uv da vishis. Best you
should make it a good vun!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will always need me and want me!'

* * * * * * *vun last & finul P O O F * * * * * * * * *

Shazaam' He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY is simple. If you're an Arab doing business
with a Jewish genie, be forewarned, there's going to be a string
attached.
 
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
 
Christmas week and the bin men are on their rounds. They pull into an avenue and as one of the team go to the gate of number 27, a gorgeous blonde strumpet comes to the door in a little see through negligee. She asks him in, leads him up the stairs and straddles him until he shoots his muck.

He goes to his mate and tells him. "In for a penny and all that." says his mate and heads for number 27. She invites him in and bends over for him in the hallway. He pulls her knickers aside and gives her the best 45 seconds she's ever had.

They tell the other 2 bin men who each in turn, go and get their sacs emptied by the stunning blonde at 27. They decide, seeing as it's Christmas, to let the driver share in the festivities. The driver eagerly jogs to number 27 and is met by the nymph. He's already carrying a diamond cutter. She invites him in and he can barely contain himself. She opens her purse and gives him £2.

He's livid. He asks her why she shagged the idiots he works with but the only one with a brain gets a measly £2. She apologises and explains that her husband left her a note that morning -

"Morning love, don't forget to put the bins out. When they get here, give the driver a couple of quid for Christmas and fuck the rest of them."
 
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain
His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual distrust.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters:
"I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why so?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"
"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese . . . . doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.
"I no rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot.
"What? - You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain,
"It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , . . no mattah . . . you all da fucky same!"
 
citymantop said:
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain
His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual distrust.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters:
"I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why so?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"
"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese . . . . doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.
"I no rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot.
"What? - You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain,
"It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , . . no mattah . . . you all da fucky same!"
Click to expand...

Take a bow. Brilliant.
 
the police have discovered a book of 20 other women, oscar pistorious was planning on assassinating. its called shinless list
 
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