Joke thread

After the Oscar Pistorius shooting another Paralympian has been arrested, this time Ellie Simmons on a small arms charge
 
The threat from an influx of Bulgarians & Romanians into the UK next year has eased slightly as its been confirmed that we've eaten all their transport...
 
My mates got me a facial for my 40th birthday.

When I got back in the house the wife asked "how was it?"

"It was great," I replied "She let me stick it up her arse first"



................



Because of my obese wife's diet, I have to eat the same thing every day.


Whatever's fucking left.


................


A copper pulls up alongside a 13 year old girl spewing and spitting in Coronation Street.
"Have you been drinking young lady?" he asks.


"Yes, I've just had a pint of Webster's!"
 
A man goes downstairs after a good nights sleep and is brought to his senses by the smell of a cooked breakfast and the sight of his wife wearing stockings and suspenders. He eats the breakfast and asks, why he's been treated so nice as it wasn't his birthday. His wife says.
"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," he said.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled
out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," came the reply.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, intrigued.


"Well, go and have a quick look in the garage."
 
citymantop said:
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last
breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered
that he had found a Manischewitz' wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary
Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic [ultra religious] Rabbi,
complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how dis voiks. You got tree
vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!'

'So Votts to lose? Looks tu me - you're a goner ennyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie
was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plenty of food
and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen
and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Hokee-dokee kiddo, vat's mit your secund vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * *again mit da P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems & riches beyond his wildest dreams.

'Hokay kid, lissin up ,you got jus vun more uv da vishis. Best you
should make it a good vun!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will always need me and want me!'

* * * * * * *vun last & finul P O O F * * * * * * * * *

Shazaam' He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY is simple. If you're an Arab doing business
with a Jewish genie, be forewarned, there's going to be a string
attached.
Click to expand...

Tampax are bringing out tinsel tampons..especially designed for the christmas period.
 
Two scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel.

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask.

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.

"Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."
 
blue12 said:
Two scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel.

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask.

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.

"Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."
Click to expand...



Lol
 
blue12 said:
Two scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel.

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask.

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.

"Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."
Click to expand...



hahahahhahahahahahahaaaaa brilliant
 
My son was thrown out of school
today for letting a girl in his
class wank him off.

I sat him down and said "Son,
that's three schools this year.....
Maybe teaching isn't for you."
 
blue12 said:
Two scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel.

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask.

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.

"Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."
Click to expand...

hahaaa - have you considered a career in smooth talk?
 
the queen is in hospital with severe diarrhoea. a spokesperson for the palace said "we haven't been this worried about a set of skid marks since Diana's car crashed in paris."

-- Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:23 pm --

my wife swallowed after a blow job for the first time in five years last night

i wonder if its a sign she's coming out of her coma.<br /><br />-- Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:24 pm --<br /><br />a scouser walks into a music shop in london and says "have you got anything by the doors?". the assistant replies "yes to two cameras and an alarm. now fuck off!".
 
Just spent the last 3 hours shagging Cheryl Cole & I can tell you three things.

1 - her fanny is well tight. It was a struggle getting my cock all the way in

2 - she doesn't mind at all if you jizz all over her face

3 - the security guards at Madame Tussauds are right bastards
 
The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.
If you ask me he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts without giving the twat a mobility scooter.
 
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole -and they are interchangeable'
 
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.



"Thank fuck - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
 
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