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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Hamann Pineapple
Well-Known Member
I bet tonight them Jocks have gone through more fuckin tenants than Fred West!!
I never mentioned what kind of shoes he was wearing.law74 said:2sheikhs said:An Irish man walks past a pub and sees a sign on the window, "pies £1, wanks 50p." He legs it into the pub, dead excited and sees a stunning blonde barmaid. He asks her, "are you the one that gives wanks?" She said, "yeah, I am". He said, "well can you wash your hands coz I want one of those pies".
this is wrong on so many levels
"an Irish man walks past a pub" yeah, like that is ever going to happen
then he goes into the pub and says he wants a pie? maybe you just mis-understood his brogue and he said he wanted a pint.
fuzz barricade
Well-Known Member
mrcunny said:I could never afford a personalised number plate for my car, so I changed my name by deed-poll to NA08MYB instead
Haha loved this!
citymantop
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 27 Apr 2011
- Messages
- 379
A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, ... "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, ... "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."
Chev Chelios
Well-Known Member
Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
To see her crack
To see her crack
Blue Tooth
Well-Known Member
Guy walks into a new chemist shop and asks for a pack of condoms.
'What size would sir like?' asked the girl behind the counter.
'Dunno' said the bloke.
'We can measure you up if you like' she says.
'Fair enough' says our fella.
The girl shows him to a fitting room where there is a board filled with holes and a porno video playing in the corner.
'Just get yourself ready sir and then let me know which hole is the most comfortable fit' says the girl and leaves him to it.
20 minutes later the bloke comes out.
'Well sir, what size would you like' she asks.
'Fuck the condoms, how much is that board?'
'What size would sir like?' asked the girl behind the counter.
'Dunno' said the bloke.
'We can measure you up if you like' she says.
'Fair enough' says our fella.
The girl shows him to a fitting room where there is a board filled with holes and a porno video playing in the corner.
'Just get yourself ready sir and then let me know which hole is the most comfortable fit' says the girl and leaves him to it.
20 minutes later the bloke comes out.
'Well sir, what size would you like' she asks.
'Fuck the condoms, how much is that board?'
Cheese Butty said:Tonights Self Harmers anonymous group has had to be cancelled due to staff cuts.
'Madame za za - acclaimed clairvoyant has had to cancel tonights seance due to unforseen circumstances'
Cellarite
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 12 Jan 2010
- Messages
- 26,769
- Team supported
- Manchester City
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew all walk into a bar.
They had a lovely evening and came away with a greater appreciation of each others religious views.
A Catholic priest put on a puppet show at the local nursery.
The young children were a very polite audience and the event was considered a great success.
What do you call a Mexican in an ocean?
A victim of the ever increasingly violent, Mexican drug cartels.
What do you call an Indian with 5 corner shops?
An entrepreneur.
Why did the old man climb a telegraph pole with a backpack full of bananas?
He's getting on, is mentally ill and is slowly losing his grip on reality.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It heard a loud noise that startled it causing it to believe a predator was close by.
They had a lovely evening and came away with a greater appreciation of each others religious views.
A Catholic priest put on a puppet show at the local nursery.
The young children were a very polite audience and the event was considered a great success.
What do you call a Mexican in an ocean?
A victim of the ever increasingly violent, Mexican drug cartels.
What do you call an Indian with 5 corner shops?
An entrepreneur.
Why did the old man climb a telegraph pole with a backpack full of bananas?
He's getting on, is mentally ill and is slowly losing his grip on reality.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It heard a loud noise that startled it causing it to believe a predator was close by.
M
M
manchester blue
Guest
citykev28 said:A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew all walk into a bar.
They had a lovely evening and came away with a greater appreciation of each others religious views.
A Catholic priest put on a puppet show at the local nursery.
The young children were a very polite audience and the event was considered a great success.
What do you call a Mexican in an ocean?
A victim of the ever increasingly violent, Mexican drug cartels.
What do you call an Indian with 5 corner shops?
An entrepreneur.
Why did the old man climb a telegraph pole with a backpack full of bananas?
He's getting on, is mentally ill and is slowly losing his grip on reality.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It heard a loud noise that startled it causing it to believe a predator was close by.
Did you misread the title?
Cellarite
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 12 Jan 2010
- Messages
- 26,769
- Team supported
- Manchester City
manchester blue said:citykev28 said:A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew all walk into a bar.
They had a lovely evening and came away with a greater appreciation of each others religious views.
A Catholic priest put on a puppet show at the local nursery.
The young children were a very polite audience and the event was considered a great success.
What do you call a Mexican in an ocean?
A victim of the ever increasingly violent, Mexican drug cartels.
What do you call an Indian with 5 corner shops?
An entrepreneur.
Why did the old man climb a telegraph pole with a backpack full of bananas?
He's getting on, is mentally ill and is slowly losing his grip on reality.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It heard a loud noise that startled it causing it to believe a predator was close by.
Did you misread the title?
No, why?
Tricky Dickys Right Foot Shot
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 1 Dec 2008
- Messages
- 10,553
I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn. For example, do any of you know the tale of how cornmeal came to be? No? Neither did the miller that morning!
M
M
mat
Guest
citykev28 said:A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew all walk into a bar.
They had a lovely evening and came away with a greater appreciation of each others religious views.
A Catholic priest put on a puppet show at the local nursery.
The young children were a very polite audience and the event was considered a great success.
What do you call a Mexican in an ocean?
A victim of the ever increasingly violent, Mexican drug cartels.
What do you call an Indian with 5 corner shops?
An entrepreneur.
Why did the old man climb a telegraph pole with a backpack full of bananas?
He's getting on, is mentally ill and is slowly losing his grip on reality.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It heard a loud noise that startled it causing it to believe a predator was close by.
Bernard Righton!
:)
jimharri
Moderator
He's from Hull; you have to make allowances.manchester blue said:citykev28 said:A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew all walk into a bar.
They had a lovely evening and came away with a greater appreciation of each others religious views.
A Catholic priest put on a puppet show at the local nursery.
The young children were a very polite audience and the event was considered a great success.
What do you call a Mexican in an ocean?
A victim of the ever increasingly violent, Mexican drug cartels.
What do you call an Indian with 5 corner shops?
An entrepreneur.
Why did the old man climb a telegraph pole with a backpack full of bananas?
He's getting on, is mentally ill and is slowly losing his grip on reality.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It heard a loud noise that startled it causing it to believe a predator was close by.
Did you misread the title?
mat said:citykev28 said:A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew all walk into a bar.
They had a lovely evening and came away with a greater appreciation of each others religious views.
A Catholic priest put on a puppet show at the local nursery.
The young children were a very polite audience and the event was considered a great success.
What do you call a Mexican in an ocean?
A victim of the ever increasingly violent, Mexican drug cartels.
What do you call an Indian with 5 corner shops?
An entrepreneur.
Why did the old man climb a telegraph pole with a backpack full of bananas?
He's getting on, is mentally ill and is slowly losing his grip on reality.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It heard a loud noise that startled it causing it to believe a predator was close by.
Bernard Righton!
:)
^^
Bigg Bigg Blue
Well-Known Member
Odds on being next to pick up the ashes
England 6/4
Aussies 3/1
Winnie Mandela 1/3
England 6/4
Aussies 3/1
Winnie Mandela 1/3
You are such a buzz kill.Tricky Dickys Right Foot Shot said:I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn. For example, do any of you know the tale of how cornmeal came to be? No? Neither did the miller that morning!
bazbarrybazzer
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 22 Oct 2007
- Messages
- 2,461
My girlfriend says she`s leaving me bacuase of my obsession with Football Manager. In my defence, I`ve got Lahm, Kompany, Hummels and Alba.
BlueHammer85
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 13 Oct 2010
- Messages
- 40,617
bazbarrybazzer said:My girlfriend says she`s leaving me bacuase of my obsession with Football Manager. In my defence, I`ve got Lahm, Kompany, Hummels and Alba.
Not funny