Joke thread

[mrcunny]

Did you know that the average bloke thinks about sex every six tits?

 

[Tourist since 1971]

My girlfriend says she`s leaving me bacuase of my obsession with Football Manager. In my defence, I`ve got Lahm, Kompany, Hummels and Alba.

Not funny

You're right, Lahm is getting on a bit and isn't the player he was.

 

[2sheikhs]

A little lad said to his mum, "mum, why am I black but you're white?"
She said, "Aw don't even go there son. What I did at that party, you're lucky you're not fucking barking".

 

[without a dream]

Woman goes to the Doctor and she says every time I open my legs I hear 'Glory, glory Man Utd'. Doctor says don't worry a lot of cunts sing that.

 

[Zuriblue]

For those of us interested in aviation

A helicopter's blade (in cross-section) is shaped like an aeroplane’s wing, and both catch air giving lift..now answer this question....

This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft!

However, the answer may surprise you . . .

The Question:

"What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft?"

For the answer, see below:

 

[supermario]

From Twitter...

Papiss Cisse fined for refusing to wear a shirt sponsored by Wonga - initial £5,000 rising to £47,987,567,324 if he hasn't paid by Friday.

 

[jimharri]

For those of us interested in aviation

A helicopter's blade (in cross-section) is shaped like an aeroplane’s wing, and both catch air giving lift..now answer this question....

This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft!

However, the answer may surprise you . . .

The Question:

"What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft?"

For the answer, see below:

 

[Banned Tosspot]

My girlfriend says she`s leaving me bacuase of my obsession with Football Manager. In my defence, I`ve got Lahm, Kompany, Hummels and Alba.

Not funny

Maybe you need it explaining.

 

[Sheriff Fatman]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[dick slexia]

I know its seems a bit early but the start of the build up to Christmas has started and Father Christmas is chatting with one of his elves.

"I'm seriously fucked off with this" he says ... "every fucking year I have to wear this fucking stupid red suit" he goes on ... "and run around like a fucking idiot - and what do I get to fucking show for it?" he rants ... "fuck all, SWEET FUCK ALL!"

The elf responds ...

"Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels"

 

[sweynforkbeard]

Why did Lt Uhura smell so bad? Because William Shatner.


A Higgs Boson particle walks into a Catholic church and is confronted by the priest who says, 'You can't come in here, get out!' The Higgs Boson replies, 'I am coming in - you can't have mass without me.'

 

[foetus]

A blind man walks into a store with his 'seeing eye' dog.
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manger runs up and demands, "WTF are you doing?????"
The blind man replies "just having a look around."

 

[nw42]

A blind man walks into a store with his 'seeing eye' dog.
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manger runs up and demands, "WTF are you doing?????"
The blind man replies "just having a look around."

[bigimg]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/6ufRWDXhN2o/hqdefault.jpg[/bigimg]

 

[idahoblues]

retired guy moves to a remote part of Virginia, after about six months of living in solitude he finally gets a visit from his neighbor
His neighbor says; I wanna invite you to a party at my place this weekend, y'up for it?
The guy says well what kinda party is it
well there's gonna be some drinkin
well it might be nice to have a drink or two, what else?
well there'll be some fuckin'
wow, that sounds fun I haven't had any in a long time, what else?
well there's gonna be some fightin'
ooh, I don't know, but I can normally talk my way out of that but all in all in sounds like fun, what should I wear?
His heighbour looks at him and says it don't matter, it's just gonna be you and me

 

[Anthony Kun]

My new girlfriend has just told me she doesn't want to move in with me - apparently I'm too kinky??













































































I nearly spat her piss out when she told me!

 

[hackneyslim]

My girlfriend says she`s leaving me bacuase of my obsession with Football Manager. In my defence, I`ve got Lahm, Kompany, Hummels and Alba.

Not funny

This is in fact a perfectly decent joke which follows acceptable formal lines, and reads rather well, too.

You, on the other hand, are rather a misery not only because of your opinion but also your expression of it. One is unfortunate, the unnecessary, and you, sir, are both.

 

[2bluegp]

This Rooney hating has gone too far!
I'm outside the swamp & there's a guy burning small effigies of Rooney & selling them to fans!


Oh hang on... sorry!

Its a baked potato stand....

 

[Bluesince1979]

What's got two eyes and stinks?














Brinnington :)

 

[idahoblues]

did you hear about the suicidal seal?


walked into a bar and asked for a Canadian club on the rocks

 

[Gelsons Dad]

The local ironmonger was looking for a home for his dog so I took it off his hands.
When I got it home it made a bolt for the gate!