Joke thread

[jimharri]

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Hamish, were sitting in the pub discussing Hamish's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Hamish. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Hamish with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Hamish, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

 

[dronefromsector7g]

A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you I ,will make it very fast. I'll throw £1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking"

 

[kywc84]

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway.

 

[Oohvonkyvonky]

Cucumber,Onion and Penis were talking
Cucumber:"when I get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad"
Onion:"that's nothing,when I get big and hard they skin me and drown me in a vinegar"
Penis:"lads that's nothing compared to what I go thru,when I get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head,shove me in a small,warm damp cave and keep banging my head until I throw up and faint.

 

[johnmc]

Cucumber,Onion and Penis were talking
Cucumber:"when I get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad"
Onion:"that's nothing,when I get big and hard they skin me and drown me in a vinegar"
Penis:"lads that's nothing compared to what I go thru,when I get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head,shove me in a small,warm damp cave and keep banging my head until I throw up and faint.

Can I ask something, when you were told that, what was your reaction?

 

[Lavinda Past]

Cucumber,Onion and Penis were talking
Cucumber:"when I get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad"
Onion:"that's nothing,when I get big and hard they skin me and drown me in a vinegar"
Penis:"lads that's nothing compared to what I go thru,when I get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head,shove me in a small,warm damp cave and keep banging my head until I throw up and faint.

Can I ask something, when you were told that, what was your reaction?

He probably threw up and fainted...

 

[2bluegp]

It must be cold where he is; two sets of purple clothes!

That was your biggest issue with the "joke"!?

Indigo is blue, not purple....

 

[Oohvonkyvonky]

Cucumber,Onion and Penis were talking
Cucumber:"when I get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad"
Onion:"that's nothing,when I get big and hard they skin me and drown me in a vinegar"
Penis:"lads that's nothing compared to what I go thru,when I get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head,shove me in a small,warm damp cave and keep banging my head until I throw up and faint.

Can I ask something, when you were told that, what was your reaction?

I smirked slightly and I thought, that's shit.

I'll put it on the Bluemoon joke thread some **** will like it.

 

[buzzer1]

Cucumber,Onion and Penis were talking
Cucumber:"when I get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad"
Onion:"that's nothing,when I get big and hard they skin me and drown me in a vinegar"
Penis:"lads that's nothing compared to what I go thru,when I get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head,shove me in a small,warm damp cave and keep banging my head until I throw up and faint.

Can I ask something, when you were told that, what was your reaction?

PMSL at that joke Vonky and at jon, well done.

 

[Cheese Butty]

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway.

I was sat in the pub the other night and the DJ kept playing House of Fun over and over again and I thought to myself "this is madness"