Joke thread

ste1969 said:
Liverpool are raving about the SAS - Sturridge and Suarez. Man Utd are still trying to come up with one for Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling
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I hear man united have just released a commemorative fruit bowl. It just sits in the middle of the table doing fuck all
 
BXh37WhIYAANDVQ.jpg
 
How many United supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb and two to talk about how good the old bulb was.
 
2bluegp said:
ChrisNUFC said:
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Hard to say...the flag is a big plus though.

I'll get my coat
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I like
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You like, I stole<br /><br />-- Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:18 am --<br /><br />
2bluegp said:
ChrisNUFC said:
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Hard to say...the flag is a big plus though.

I'll get my coat
Click to expand...

I like
Click to expand...

You like, I stole
 
My nan, bless her, always gets into the spirit of Halloween. She's 96 and she still manages to put up all the decorations. I've just been around and there are cobwebs and spiders in the windows, and I could see a skeleton on the couch. There was no answer though; I'll probably pop over the same time next year.
 
There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..

There were four men ....
one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?

* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finish

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!
 
corky1970 said:
Squelch said:
There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..

There were four men ....
one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?

* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finish

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!
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0151 298 2222
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Is that a taxi rank or coat shop?
 
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'
 
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
 
Tuearts right boot said:
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
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I'm sat here giggling like an idiot after reading that one. 10 out of 10 from me.
 
Kids asked for a Halloween horror experience that would last all year long

Bought them Man U season tickets



I went into a shop today to buy a Dracula costume.

The girl tried to sell me a Manchester United shirt.

I said, "I think you misheard me", I said "I wanted to look like a Count!"
 
The pope was doing a monthly healing service at the vatican, this scouser enters the stage, the pope says "yes son, what can i help you with"?

Scouser says wellittt's meeee Hearin yersee mayyyyyyyyyyyyyyytztttt.

So the Pope begins to work his magic around the scousers Ears and head, just generally massaging the area. after ten minutes the Pope says "now then my child, how do you feel now"?

The Scouser says "EEEEEEEEEEEERMMMMM i ddzzzowwwn't knowwwwwwwwwwwww maytzzzzzzttte, it's not till next wenzzdeeeeeeeeeee".
 
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