Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
foetus
Well-Known Member
mrcunny said:
Irishman goes into a pub and sees a sign saying 'complete 3 tasks and win 500 quid'.
So he asks the barman about it and he says "See that big bloke in the corner, the skinhead?
First off, you've got to knock him out".
The bloke doesnt like the sound of this, but he say "whats the second?". The barman replies "I've got a vicious rottweiler downstairs, with a toothache, you've got to pull the tooth out".
The bloke says "And whats the third ?" - "You see that young woman over there, well, she's never had an orgasm. You have to have sex with her until she does." -"Well, says the bloke, I don't like the sound of those first two, I won't bother."
So, he goes back to his drink. Sometime later, he is very very drunk. "So.. " he says to the barman "About this £500 tasks". Barman points the skinhead, and the bloke walks over and punches him out with a single blow.
"What's next?" he says. The barman points downstairs and say "the rottweiler".
So the bloke goes downstairs, and soon there is an almighty commotion, barking, howling, screaming, things getting smashed up and so on.
Eventually the bloke staggers back upstairs, covered in blood and says.."right, wheres that bird with the toothache?"
So he asks the barman about it and he says "See that big bloke in the corner, the skinhead?
First off, you've got to knock him out".
The bloke doesnt like the sound of this, but he say "whats the second?". The barman replies "I've got a vicious rottweiler downstairs, with a toothache, you've got to pull the tooth out".
The bloke says "And whats the third ?" - "You see that young woman over there, well, she's never had an orgasm. You have to have sex with her until she does." -"Well, says the bloke, I don't like the sound of those first two, I won't bother."
So, he goes back to his drink. Sometime later, he is very very drunk. "So.. " he says to the barman "About this £500 tasks". Barman points the skinhead, and the bloke walks over and punches him out with a single blow.
"What's next?" he says. The barman points downstairs and say "the rottweiler".
So the bloke goes downstairs, and soon there is an almighty commotion, barking, howling, screaming, things getting smashed up and so on.
Eventually the bloke staggers back upstairs, covered in blood and says.."right, wheres that bird with the toothache?"
citymantop
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 27 Apr 2011
- Messages
- 379
old one,
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me !
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, ‘The truth is, I'm defective because I don't have any feet, so nobody wants me. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot says, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the post man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
The frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'DUNNO - I got an erection and fell off my perch!'
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me !
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, ‘The truth is, I'm defective because I don't have any feet, so nobody wants me. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot says, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the post man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
The frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'DUNNO - I got an erection and fell off my perch!'
foetus
Well-Known Member
Haha good stuffrabby said:
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
The face of a child can say it all....especially the mouth part of the face.
jimharri
Moderator
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment....then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment....then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
happy daze
Well-Known Member
Dear Sir
On behalf of Channel 4, may I thank you for your application, submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.
Also for the the charming photograph you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected I would point out that the correct title of the series is “Fact Hunt”.
On behalf of Channel 4, may I thank you for your application, submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.
Also for the the charming photograph you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected I would point out that the correct title of the series is “Fact Hunt”.
paphos-mcfc
Well-Known Member
Richard Branson has had his offer to sponsor Manchester United declined.
In a club statement, a spokesman said; "We feel it would be inappropriate to wear 'Virgin" on our shirts as we're getting fucked every week!"
In a club statement, a spokesman said; "We feel it would be inappropriate to wear 'Virgin" on our shirts as we're getting fucked every week!"