Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
Dicko69 said:
Hehe cheers, I think :) I don't really care about the people who hate them. I'm doing no harm.
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
My mum used to force feed me spinach everday. And I was only aloud to drink blended fruit juice. Now I'm older I realise you have to take the roughage with the smoothies
I hated my dad growing up, why did he have to get older! Why!
I heard the funniest joke last night, I literally fell out of bed laughing. Had to go to A&E. I'm still in stitches.
I hated my dad growing up, why did he have to get older! Why!
I heard the funniest joke last night, I literally fell out of bed laughing. Had to go to A&E. I'm still in stitches.
TheTrillionDollarMan
Well-Known Member
whats grey, sits at the end of your bed, and takes the piss out of you 24/7? ..a kidney dialysis machine.
chris63
Well-Known Member
took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud’s Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, ‘Keep her moving sir, we’re stock-taking’
“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.”
“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.”
“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.”
“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.”
TheTrillionDollarMan
Well-Known Member
<a class="postlink" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtY2I5PbQpE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtY2I5PbQpE</a>
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
Did you know that the lead singer of "The Blockheads" has had a mental breakdown. He now spends his days thinking that he's a sensitive slug. We could all poke fun at him of course, but that'd just be addin' salt to Ian Dury.
Haters feel free to call me a **** for that one.
Haters feel free to call me a **** for that one.
Zubrman
Well-Known Member
Cant we just merge this thread with the 'Not The Joke Thread' becuse I cant tell the fucking difference.
East Level 2
Well-Known Member
I hate to repeat them but this little lot came in an email at work:
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: "Where’s Popcorn?"
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha
Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A: USB
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky.
Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.
Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: A Roaming Catholic
Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle
Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
A: You are too little to smoke!
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: "Where’s Popcorn?"
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha
Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A: USB
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky.
Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.
Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: A Roaming Catholic
Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle
Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
A: You are too little to smoke!
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
I used to love lending money to people, lost interest in it recently though.
We were given an assignment. I handed in my essay and I told the professor, I will pass this exam, mark my words!
At the airport I said to my mate "Here's that bag of heroin you wanted.." He didn't say a word, nothing. He just snatched it out of my hand.
I looked at him and shouted "Stick it up your arse then you twat."
We were given an assignment. I handed in my essay and I told the professor, I will pass this exam, mark my words!
At the airport I said to my mate "Here's that bag of heroin you wanted.." He didn't say a word, nothing. He just snatched it out of my hand.
I looked at him and shouted "Stick it up your arse then you twat."
nobody can eat fifty eggs
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 9 Sep 2011
- Messages
- 4,677
Ha ha, are you Tim Vine mate? you've got some repertoire there.TangerineSteve17 said:
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
nobody can eat fifty eggs said:
hehe, no, but I like his style.
My mate started slapping me in the face, just because I always pull when we go out and he never does. Smacks of desperation if you ask me.
I like what decorators wear...overall.
I play a new version of tenpin where the ball weighs a tonne, and it's first to a million strikes wins. It's Hyperbole.
jimharri
Moderator
I was driving down the road yesterday when I saw an AA van and the driver was crying his eyes out.
I reckon he was heading for a breakdown.......
I reckon he was heading for a breakdown.......
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
I bought my mumbling alcoholic wife a red rose, an egg beater and a pizza for her birthday. She slapped me across the face and said "I wanted a Rosé, Whiskey and a Margarita you twat!"
I was in a supermarket and a woman at a tester stall said "Hello! Would you like to try a piece of this new ham?"
I said "Is it cured?"
She said "No, it's dead"
I asked my dad "Can you name any decent 70's bands?"
He said "Yes."
I said "Who?"
He said "Them too"
I said "They were 60's weren't they?"
I was in a supermarket and a woman at a tester stall said "Hello! Would you like to try a piece of this new ham?"
I said "Is it cured?"
She said "No, it's dead"
I asked my dad "Can you name any decent 70's bands?"
He said "Yes."
I said "Who?"
He said "Them too"
I said "They were 60's weren't they?"
jimharri
Moderator
Reilly joined the British Parachute Regiment and was on his first drop. Falling from the plane he pulled his ripcord but his chute never deployed. He pulled the handle for his reserve chute but discovered that was useless as well. Falling towards earth he noticed something approaching him at high speed. It was Murphy the plumber.
"Do you know anything about parachutes?" cried Reilly.
"No" shouts Murphy. "Do you know anything about gas cookers?"
"Do you know anything about parachutes?" cried Reilly.
"No" shouts Murphy. "Do you know anything about gas cookers?"