Joke thread

dronefromsector7g said:
jimharri said:
Is he still alive, or has he gone on a little break?
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Who, what, when?

PM if need be
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Someone posted a long list of analogies/comparisons people use when they are sweating:

I'm sweating like....

a pregnant dog
a priest in a playground


And so on.

However, it seems he mustn't have read the full list (must have been about 50 analogies) as some were distinctly un pc as they involved race/colour/religion etc. Or, he might have read the list and thought "fuck it"?
 
My great-grandfather (well, my grandfather, but he was a nice bloke) was a war vet. He saw some blood that man, people don't give enough thought to all the animals that get hurt during a battle.

I picked a buttercup from a field. I got in my car and drove all the way to the beach. I ripped the head and petals off and threw what was left in the sea. (I'm not finishing this "joke" off..it's bloody obvious)

An Irish woman gave birth to a girl, the baby came out without any blood, any gunk, and smelling of roses. She called her Pristine.

I had a good hiding place as a kid. The cellar. My dad would batter me down there so nobody could hear me scream.
 
poh said:
I was out for a walk down a country lane today,when I saw a rabbit in the middle of the lane,I looked at it,it looked at me and then shouted at me "are you looking at me"...........it was Rabbit De Niro............coat got,door closed on way out.
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No offer of a carpet then?
 
BlueBearBoots said:
Have you used all your Christmas crackers TS? :(
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I'm not sure, I'll have to check the loft :/

My best mate is a drug smuggler all around Africa. I got a phone call. "Mate, I've been caught. They're gonna flay me!" I said "Good luck with that." and hung up. Well he knew the risks, it's no skin off my back.

I was in a quarry, I said to this man "That's a big rock!"
He said "Boulder?"
I said "THAT'S A BIG ROCK"

Got a phone call from my sadistic mate.
He said "I've got a man tied down and I need to think of a way of torturing him so he'll tell me what I need to know. Advice?"
I said "That's a good idea, just don't tighten it too far."

I went into a Tailors and the man said "Hello sir, can I help you?" I ignored him. He said "Sir...?" I turned away. He said "Well suit yourself then."

My dad has died unfortunately. He had £6.80 in his bank account.
 
Bobies for me. Gotta be up in 4 hours. So better post these now, not gonna get the chance tomorrow.

I was about to post something on the Bluemoon Forum, but I needed a crap desperately. I logged out.

Someone has convinced me that my skin is essentially leather. But I'm easily suede.

I was helping my wife prepare a salad, she said "Can you squeeze some lemon for me?" I said "No trouble at all."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
Bobies for me. Gotta be up in 4 hours. So better post these now, not gonna get the chance tomorrow.

I was about to post something on the Bluemoon Forum, but I needed a crap desperately. I logged out.

Someone has convinced me that my skin is essentially leather. But I'm easily suede.

I was helping my wife prepare a salad, she said "Can you squeeze some lemon for me?" I said "No trouble at all."
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Hmmmm
 
catscan_zps8b95c4db.jpg


Wife: 'And what's more I know you've been having an affair with that Welsh tart from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.'

Husband: 'How can you say that?'
 
Copper pulls over a speeding car and asks for the drivers licence and registration.
After checking the details the copper says " So Mr Heisenberg do you know how fast you were going?"
"No" Replies Mr Heisenberg " But I know exactly where I am"!

;-)
 
TS - I've had two days now and I still don't get the lemon joke. I'm embarrassed.
 
paphos-mcfc said:
poh said:
I was out for a walk down a country lane today,when I saw a rabbit in the middle of the lane,I looked at it,it looked at me and then shouted at me "are you looking at me"...........it was Rabbit De Niro............coat got,door closed on way out.
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No offer of a carpet then?
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No,some other lucky bastard must have got it,anyway on the rabbit theme......what do you call a bunch of rabbits dancing backwards ?.........A receding hareline
 
Couple of oldies...

Murphy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Murphy went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Murphy said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


=========================


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
 
An oldie but a (sort of) goodie;

Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am,you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see.. Can I see your vehicle registration please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you open the trunk of your car,please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car,ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.."
 
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