TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
Dicko69 said:
The word punchline may be a bit hopeful. It was something like "I was just trying to stem the tide."
I can hear the groans from here.
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
The word punchline may be a bit hopeful. It was something like "I was just trying to stem the tide."
I can hear the groans from here.
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
Bobies for me. Gotta be up in 4 hours. So better post these now, not gonna get the chance tomorrow.
I was about to post something on the Bluemoon Forum, but I needed a crap desperately. I logged out.
Someone has convinced me that my skin is essentially leather. But I'm easily suede.
I was helping my wife prepare a salad, she said "Can you squeeze some lemon for me?" I said "No trouble at all."
I was about to post something on the Bluemoon Forum, but I needed a crap desperately. I logged out.
Someone has convinced me that my skin is essentially leather. But I'm easily suede.
I was helping my wife prepare a salad, she said "Can you squeeze some lemon for me?" I said "No trouble at all."
BlueBearBoots
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 15 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 11,789
TangerineSteve17 said:
Hmmmm
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
Wife: 'And what's more I know you've been having an affair with that Welsh tart from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.'
Husband: 'How can you say that?'
Gelsons Dad
Well-Known Member
Copper pulls over a speeding car and asks for the drivers licence and registration.
After checking the details the copper says " So Mr Heisenberg do you know how fast you were going?"
"No" Replies Mr Heisenberg " But I know exactly where I am"!
;-)
After checking the details the copper says " So Mr Heisenberg do you know how fast you were going?"
"No" Replies Mr Heisenberg " But I know exactly where I am"!
;-)
M
M
manchester blue
Guest
TS - I've had two days now and I still don't get the lemon joke. I'm embarrassed.
poh
Well-Known Member
paphos-mcfc said:
No,some other lucky bastard must have got it,anyway on the rabbit theme......what do you call a bunch of rabbits dancing backwards ?.........A receding hareline
A
A
Anonymous
Guest
Couple of oldies...
Murphy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Murphy went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Murphy said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
=========================
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Murphy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Murphy went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Murphy said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
=========================
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
jimharri
Moderator
An oldie but a (sort of) goodie;
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am,you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see.. Can I see your vehicle registration please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you open the trunk of your car,please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car,ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.."
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am,you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see.. Can I see your vehicle registration please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you open the trunk of your car,please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car,ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.."