Joke thread

Apparently Liverpool are looking at the loan signing of Michel Vorm and are also chasing the £15m signature of Klaas Jan Huntelaar.

Vorm is temporary, Klaas is permanent.
 
Beermonster said:
Apparently Liverpool are looking at the loan signing of Michel Vorm and are also chasing the £15m signature of Klaas Jan Huntelaar.

Vorm is temporary, Klaas is permanent.
Click to expand...
A marked step up from Tangerine's efforts. I tittered.
 
jimharri said:
Beermonster said:
Apparently Liverpool are looking at the loan signing of Michel Vorm and are also chasing the £15m signature of Klaas Jan Huntelaar.

Vorm is temporary, Klaas is permanent.
Click to expand...
A marked step up from Tangerine's efforts. I tittered.
Click to expand...

Aye, can't argue with that, made me laugh too.

I'll just lower the tone..

I said to my mate, "How can I look up things on the internet?
He said "Yahoo!"
I said "Did you like that question?"

Never trust referees. Whistle blowers, the lot of 'em.

The taps in my mates kitchen were wobbly, I said "Is this loose?"
He said "No, it's normal sink."

I said to a mate "I've put on that much weight, and stay in bed that long, I've got pressure sores."
He said "You lucky bastard! But remember, don't fall in love. It's just a job to them."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
jimharri said:
Beermonster said:
Apparently Liverpool are looking at the loan signing of Michel Vorm and are also chasing the £15m signature of Klaas Jan Huntelaar.

Vorm is temporary, Klaas is permanent.
Click to expand...
A marked step up from Tangerine's efforts. I tittered.
Click to expand...

Aye, can't argue with that, made me laugh too.

I'll just lower the tone..

I said to my mate, "How can I look up things on the internet?
He said "Yahoo!"
I said "Did you like that question?"

Never trust referees. Whistle blowers, the lot of 'em.

The taps in my mates kitchen were wobbly, I said "Is this loose?"
He said "No, it's normal sink."

I said to a mate "I've put on that much weight, and stay in bed that long, I've got pressure sores."
He said "You lucky bastard! But remember, don't fall in love. It's just a job to them."
Click to expand...


Sometimes it would help if you put an explanation in brackets or is that just me being thick? Lol
 
BlueBearBoots said:
TangerineSteve17 said:
jimharri said:
A marked step up from Tangerine's efforts. I tittered.
Click to expand...

Aye, can't argue with that, made me laugh too.

I'll just lower the tone..

I said to my mate, "How can I look up things on the internet?
He said "Yahoo!"
I said "Did you like that question?"

Never trust referees. Whistle blowers, the lot of 'em.

The taps in my mates kitchen were wobbly, I said "Is this loose?"
He said "No, it's normal sink."

I said to a mate "I've put on that much weight, and stay in bed that long, I've got pressure sores."
He said "You lucky bastard! But remember, don't fall in love. It's just a job to them."
Click to expand...


Sometimes it would help if you put an explanation in brackets or is that just me being thick? Lol
Click to expand...

Well people have had trouble before :/ that's not a good thing. These are jokes/puzzles hhehe
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
The taps in my mates kitchen were wobbly, I said "Is this loose?"
He said "No, it's normal sink."

I said to a mate "I've put on that much weight, and stay in bed that long, I've got pressure sores."
He said "You lucky bastard! But remember, don't fall in love. It's just a job to them."
Click to expand...

Love your jokes, but just don't get these 2
 
what do rastas order when they go to a steak house?

Buffalo shoulder



what do mexican carpet fitters shout to each other?

UNDERLAYYY UNDERLAYYY!!!!!!
 
Dicko69 said:
The taps in my mates kitchen were wobbly, I said "Is this loose?"
He said "No, it's normal sink."

I said to a mate "I've put on that much weight, and stay in bed that long, I've got pressure sores."
He said "You lucky bastard! But remember, don't fall in love. It's just a job to them."
Click to expand...

Love your jokes, but just don't get these 2[/quote]

Always dubious when someone says something positive in here. It is the joke thread after all! :)

Is this loose? = Is this sluice?
Pressure sores = Precious whores

Maybe it only sounds that way when I say it!
 
Sent to me by an American friend.....Interesting perspective from overseas.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Great Britiain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
 
Well you're to blame TGR I'm afraid.


I texted my girlfriend "I love 2'clock see is fine, ya honey at McDonalds x," She broke up with me, she said I was sending her mixed messages.


I think I've dislocated something, it hurts :(...... Oh no there it is! I found my late wife's photograph.

My fireplace business went bust. I said to my assistant "Break up all of these fire surrounds and throw them away"
He said "Do you mean Dismantle?"
I said "ALL OF THEM, are you deaf!?

I'm so sick of my wife! She keeps on telling me that I drive too fast. Well I've had enough. I'm putting my foot down.
 
Ronald Regan, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are on a visit to the Wizard of Oz. After the grand tour, The Wizard says to them, "As is the custom extended to all
visitors, you can each have any wish you want, and I will fulfill it for you."
"OK," says Regan, "People think I'm stupid, so I'll have a brain''.The Wizard gives him a brain, and Ronnie heads home contented.
"Right," says Bush, "People think I'm heartless, so I'll have a heart''. The Wizard gives him his heart and he goes back to Texas a happy camper.
The Wizard turns to Clinton and says "Well Bill, what do you want?" Clinton looks around and says "Where's Dorothy?"
 
I'm married to a ballerina from Helsinki. I've always loved a little finesse.

I said to my mate "I want to be with a woman, but I can't afford escort services."
He said "What year do you live in? Women aren't impressed with Ford Escort mate."

I love those games where you have to tilt marbles through a labyrinth. They're amazeballs! (I've never used that word before)

I didn't have any beer in, so I thought I'd go to the pub in town. Cost me £10 to put half a litre of petrol in my car. It's enough to drive you to drink!
 
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