Joke thread

[Anonymous]

a bloke threw yoghurt milk and some cheese at me yesterday.i thought how dairy

I was in a restaurant and a bloke threw his soup at me. I said "what are you playing at?"

He said "that's just for starters"

 

[supercity88]

I'm married to a ballerina from Helsinki. I've always loved a little finesse.

I said to my mate "I want to be with a woman, but I can't afford escort services."
He said "What year do you live in? Women aren't impressed with Ford Escort mate."

I love those games where you have to tilt marbles through a labyrinth. They're amazeballs! (I've never used that word before)

I didn't have any beer in, so I thought I'd go to the pub in town. Cost me £10 to put half a litre of petrol in my car. It's enough to drive you to drink!

You're getting worse!!!

 

[jimharri]

I'm married to a ballerina from Helsinki. I've always loved a little finesse.

I said to my mate "I want to be with a woman, but I can't afford escort services."
He said "What year do you live in? Women aren't impressed with Ford Escort mate."

I love those games where you have to tilt marbles through a labyrinth. They're amazeballs! (I've never used that word before)

I didn't have any beer in, so I thought I'd go to the pub in town. Cost me £10 to put half a litre of petrol in my car. It's enough to drive you to drink!

You're getting worse!!!

Is that even possible?

 

[jimharri]

I'm married to a ballerina from Helsinki. I've always loved a little finesse.

I said to my mate "I want to be with a woman, but I can't afford escort services."
He said "What year do you live in? Women aren't impressed with Ford Escort mate."

I love those games where you have to tilt marbles through a labyrinth. They're amazeballs! (I've never used that word before)

I didn't have any beer in, so I thought I'd go to the pub in town. Cost me £10 to put half a litre of petrol in my car. It's enough to drive you to drink!

You're getting worse!!!

Is that even possible?

 

[jimharri]

I'm married to a ballerina from Helsinki. I've always loved a little finesse.

I said to my mate "I want to be with a woman, but I can't afford escort services."
He said "What year do you live in? Women aren't impressed with Ford Escort mate."

I love those games where you have to tilt marbles through a labyrinth. They're amazeballs! (I've never used that word before)

I didn't have any beer in, so I thought I'd go to the pub in town. Cost me £10 to put half a litre of petrol in my car. It's enough to drive you to drink!

You're getting worse!!!

Is that even possible?

 

[kywc84]

So bad, you said it thrice?

 

[TangerineSteve17]

You're getting worse!!!

Is that even possible?

You haven't seen the ones I don't post!

a bloke threw yoghurt milk and some cheese at me yesterday.i thought how dairy

This had me giggling this morning :)


I know why Laurel and Hardy were so successful. It was because Oliver never fell asleep on Stan.

My girlfriend has an 8 foot light-switch. It's a huge turn off. But when she wants to turn it on, it takes 8 of us to do it. Well many hands make light work.

I said to my mate "How did you manage to glue those dominoes together into a cube like that?"
He gave me a strange look and said "Die."
He's not a close friend.

 

[mrcunny]

My parents always used to sit and listen to Cliff Richard when I was younger.
Instead of actually coming in my room and stopping him.

 

[sir baconface]

Waiter, what's this cockroach doing on my ice cream?

Skiing sir.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

Nigel Mansell was an out and out racist. He was always trying to overtake the car in front on the outside.

My mate is an Olympic long jumper. He really throws himself into his work.

It only took me 3 weeks to get my degree in sugar-making. I granulated early.

 

[BlueBearBoots]

Nigel Mansell was an out and out racist. He was always trying to overtake the car in front on the outside.

My mate is an Olympic long jumper. He really throws himself into his work.

It only took me 3 weeks to get my degree in sugar-making. I granulated early.

Quality haha

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I was at a funeral of a bloke I didn't even know, when I need to fart really bad! I thought let it RIP!

 

[Ste1969]

Someone left a carrier bag outside my front door so I opened it up.

You learn something new every day - I never knew Sainsbury's sold dog shit!

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Someone left a carrier bag outside my front door so I opened it up.

You learn something new every day - I never knew Sainsbury's sold dog shit!

Now that's funny.

 

[Joe CurryGan]

Chester Zoo is closed tomorrow ----- for training porpoises

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I was having a chat with Vincent Kompany. Couldn't understand a word he was saying and as he spoke he was gobbing all over me. I think might be because he's phlegmish.

I'd forgot how good sherbert sweets taste until I did a refresher course.

I'm making lots of dough running my own bakery. In profit I roll.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

I thought it was a seaside tragedy, when I saw the headline, ''Young lad tossed off cliff.''
Just goes to show,you never know what dangers are lurking in the Shadows.

 

[Ste1969]

My wife came home from the shops today and I said to her, "Your mother turned up while you were out."

"Well I hope you've made her feel at home." she said.

"Of course I have," I replied, "I stuck her straight in the car and drove her back to her fucking house."

 

[city saint]

I head my neighbour shagging for what seems like ages last night moaning groaning headboard banging the works.turns out it was her elderly mother had fallen and was banging on the wall with her walking stick.i feel a bit guilty about knocking out that wank now

 

[BlueBearBoots]

The best joke at Edinburgh fringe was -

"I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."

our very own TangerineSteve can do better than that!!